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  2. Scooter Trash: I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle
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  5. I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle

I will take Little did I know though I probably should have had an inkling based on the title alone that the movie ruins the experience on its own. But I did watch it. And here are my 67 thoughts I had while doing so. Fair warning, there are some pretty gory images ahead.

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I know zero of the people in the opening credits Azealia Banks made it sound like a bitch to clean off hardwood floors. These people were trying to raise some evil demon. Oh my god, maybe this gang is the branch of rogue magicians Giles from Buffy was involved in.

I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle - Shitcase Cinema

Maybe this is how Watchers-in-training let off steam. Are the necromancer people a rival biker gang? Or do they just wear the matching jean jackets as part of their overall aesthetic? If the spirit can possess a human body Maybe you just take what you can get. Is that Tony from Men Behaving Badly?! I bet the guy that stole that piece of the bike is going to be the first one that gets killed. Hobo Film Enterprises Ltd. So far, there have been two shots of the full moon with a wolf howling on the soundtrack. Is this motorcycle a vampire or a werewolf? Is the motorcycle howling? After we edit it, nobody will even notice.

The vampire motorcycle I think. And when the bike begins showing up with human remains stuck to it, it's time to consult a priest Anthony Daniels , who tries to exorcise the thing -- only to have his fingers severed off by it. Sure, the film is silly, but it that's half the fun, especially when the story is also laced with juicy gore, vomit and lots of dead bikers. We also get a POV shot, through the headlight, as the cycle ogles Noddy's gal, Kim Amanda Noar ; plus the damnable bike going on killing sprees in a hospital ward and a bodybuilding gym.

Full of lovably absurd touches, as well as an unfathomable nightmare in which Noddy pinches off a loaf in the toilet and his turd begins talking to him and trying to leap down his throat. Log in here.

Scooter Trash: I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle

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It's a dreadful movie and should only be watched by those who 1 like Plan 9 for all the wrong reasons; 2 Have helped themselves to plenty of intoxicating liquor beforehand. If you fulfil the 2 conditions above, you might just make it In hindsight that doesn't like a problem of any sort, except for as much as I love to write about good movies there's only so many praises I could give out before repeating myself like a heavily cliche film.

Thus with a title like "I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle" do you really need any other reason to see it? No and sadly it's goofy nature is what ends up killing itself in the end. I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle loose narrative is about an evil spirit inhabiting a motorcycle for vengeance on the bikers that killed his fellow vampires. First and foremost the opening of the film gives no context for the bikers murdering vampires. Much like the writers of the script things just happened in the film just because they can.

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Protagonist dreams about getting killed by his own talking feces is one notable example. Nothing about the narrative feels connected as comedy overtakes the horror elements that the film was so eager to mix together. Emphasis on comedy is done poorly as the script demands you give up three things; 1.

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Shutting off your brain is easy, but difficult while viewing the film. Plot points created on the spot contradict earlier scenes logic like never explaining if a vampire motorcycle runs on blood, oil, or both. Characters are nothing more than archetypes not committing an single word for a variation on the archetype.

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An annoying girlfriend who does little in the story, a priest who performs an exorcism on a possessed motorcycle and gets crucified no doubt a secret metaphor that represent the writers desire to be forgiven for their sins for creating such as travesty , the best friend that's murder don't worry, his best friend doesn't care either , the incompetent cop, and vampires weaknesses. These are some of the elements that are chosen only for the approach to be straightforward comedy. Problem being that a comedic situation is given a horror treatment.

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Since the characters goofy nature imbalances the horror tone and without a care for death there's no fun when a killer motorcycles goes on screen. Treating it nothing more than a everyday occurrence. As for the true horror side of the film it's uninspired. Severely decapitating most of his victims heads is tiresome, although the gore effect are adequate in small numbers.

Adding to the tedium are when its victims are given large windows of time to avoid death. Not only are most of the death easily avoidable, but most of his victims aren't important to the plot. One of the best aspect about horror is fearing which character might die.

I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle

Here it's made abundantly clear which main characters live. Painfully moving at a high velocity for of four miles per hour is a lack of speed. Everything in the film is slow from actors performing physical movements even spoken dialogue is done slowly especially in delivering its punchline. Don't worry about the bad dialogue as the sound editing is even worse. Music tracks play on way to long, vehicles sound are compress or at times sound like a train, and whenever an actor is talking background noise can drown them out.

Everything from the look, the editing, the acting, and the poor writing are scream cheap. Unlike some films were a cheap look can add to the appeal in this case it serves only to further to highlight everything wrong with it. Deciding to do nothing with its premise including having fun with its goofy concept. I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle bad comedy overshadows uninspired horror elements. Mixing both of the horror genres negative aspects logic gap, continuity, desire for heroes deaths and bad comedy nothing ever becomes of anything, no characters cares anything, a single trait reused as jokes that you'll be left without a laugh or scare.

A guy purchases a classic motorbike. Unbeknownst to him, the motorcycle is an easily butt-hurt blood-thirsty monster bent on killing anyone who even lightly offends it.