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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and Romances
Contents:


  1. artemus ward (E-kitapları)
  2. Yayınevi Açıklaması
  3. Museo Lucha por la Paz
  4. Complete Works by Artemus Ward, Used

Of all the blessins they're the soothinist. If there'd never bin any wimin, where would my children be to-day? But I hope this move will lead to other moves that air just as much needed, one of which is a genral and therrer curtainment of expenses all round. The fact is we air gettin' ter'bly extravgant, and onless we paws in our mad career in less than two years the Goddess of Liberty will be seen dodgin' into a Pawn Broker's shop with the other gown done up in a bundle, even if she don't have to Spout the gold stars in her head-band.

Let us all take hold jintly, and live and dress centsibly, like our forefathers who know'd moren we do, if they warnt quite so honest! Suttle goaketh. There air other cheerin' signs for Ameriky. We don't, for instuns, lack great Gen'rals, and we certinly don't brave sojers--but there's one thing I wish we did lack, and that is our present Congress. I venture to say that if you sarch the earth all over with a ten-hoss power mikriscope, you won't be able to find such another pack of poppycock gabblers as the present Congress of the United States of America would be able to find--find among their constituents.

The country at large, incloodin' the undersined, is disgusted with you. Why don't you show us a statesman--sumbody who can make a speech that will hit the pop'lar hart right under the great Public weskit? Why don't you show us a statesman who can rise up to the Emergency, and cave in the Emergency's head? At a special Congressional 'lection in my district the other day I delib'ritly voted for Henry Clay. I admit that Henry is dead, but inasmuch as we don't seem to have a live statesman in our National Congress, let us by all means have a first- class corpse.

Them who think that a cane made from the timbers of the house I once boarded in is essenshall to their happiness, should not delay about sendin' the money right on for one. My reported captur by the North American savijis of Utah, led my wide circle of friends and creditors to think that I had bid adoo to earthly things and was a angel playin' on a golden harp.

Hents my rival home was on expected. It was 11, P. A nightcap thrusted itself out of the front chamber winder. It was my Betsy's nightcap. And a voice said:. Then resumin' my nat'ral voice, I said, "It is your own A. Sweet lady, wake! Ever of thou! I thought I smelt something. In the mornin' I found that my family were entertainin' a artist from Philadelphy, who was there paintin' some startlin water-falls and mountains, and I morin suspected he had a hankerin' for my oldest dauter. After breakfast I went over to town to see my old friends.

The editor of the "Bugle" greeted me cordyully, and showed me the follerin' article he'd just written about the paper on the other side of the street:. What will the hell-hounds of "The Advertiser" say to this! We shall continue to make improvements as fast as our rapidly increasing business may warrant. Wonder whether a certain editor's wife thinks she can palm off a brass watch-chain on this community for a gold one? That will close him up as bad as it did when I wrote an article ridicooling his sister, who's got a cock-eye. A few days after my return I was shown a young man, who says he'll be Dam if he goes to the war.

He was settin' on a barrel, and was indeed a Loathsum objeck. Last Sunday I heard Parson Batkins preach, and the good old man preached well, too, tho' his prayer was ruther lengthy. The Editor of the "Bugle," who was with me, sed that prayer would make fifteen squares, solid nonparil. I don't think of nothin' more to write about. Dear Father and Mother,--We are all getting along very well.

We mess at Delmonico's. Do not repine for your son. Some must suffer for the glorious Stars and Stripes, and dear parents, why shouldn't I? Tell Mrs. Skuller that we do not need the blankets she so kindly sent to us, as we bunk at the St. Nicholas and Metropolitan. What our brave lads stand most in need of now is Fruit Cake and Waffles. Do not weep for me. I'm at present existin' under a monikal form of Gov'ment. In other words I'm travellin' among the crowned heds of Canady.

They ain't pretty bad people. On the cont'ry, they air exceedin' good people. Troo, they air deprived of many blessins. They don't enjoy for instans, the priceless boon of a war. They haven't any American Egil to onchain, and they hain't got a Fourth of July to their backs. Altho' this is a monikal form of Gov'ment, I am onable to perceeve much moniky.

I tried to git a piece in Toronto, but failed to succeed. VICTORIA, who is Queen of England, and has all the luxuries of the markets, includin' game in its season, don't bother herself much about Canady, but lets her do 'bout as she's mighter. She, however, gin'rally keeps her supplied with a lord, who's called a Gov'ner Gin'ral. Sometimes the politicians of Canady make it lively for this lord--for Canady has politicians, and I expect they don't differ from our politicians, some of 'em bein' gifted and talented liars, no doubt.

I saw him review some volunteers at Montreal. He was accompanied by some other lords and dukes and generals and those sort of things. He rode a little bay horse, and his close wasn't any better than mine. You'll always notiss, by the way, that the higher up in the world a man is, the less good harness he puts on.

Hence Gin'ral HALLECK walks the streets in plain citizen's dress, while the second lieutenant of a volunteer regiment piles all the brass things he can find onto his back, and drags a forty-pound sword after him. Monk has been in the lord bisniss some time, and I understand it pays, tho' I don't know what a lord's wages is. The wages of sin is death and postage stamps. But this has nothing to do with MONK. She has golden hair, a kind, good face, and wore a red hat. I should be very happy to have her pay me and my family a visit at Baldinsville. WARD will do the fair thing by you.

She makes the best slap-jacks in America. As a slap-jackist, she has no ekal. She wears the Belt. What the review was all about, I don't know. I haven't a gigantic intelleck, which can grasp great questions at onct. Fur from it. Even the congregation of Plymouth Meetin'-House in Brooklyn will admit that. Yes, I should think so. But while I don't have the slitest idee as to what the review was fur, I will state that the sojers looked pooty scrumptious in their red and green close.

Come with me, jentle reader, to Quebeck. Quebeck was surveyed and laid out by a gentleman who had been afflicted with the delirium tremens from childhood, and hence his idees of things was a little irreg'ler. The streets don't lead anywheres in partic'ler, but everywheres in gin'ral. The city is bilt on a variety of perpendicler hills, each hill bein' a trifle wuss nor t'other one. Quebeck is full of stone walls, and arches, and citadels and things. It is said no foe could ever git into Quebeck, and I guess they couldn't.

Quebeck has seen lively times in a warlike way. The French and Britishers had a set-to there in Both were hunky boys, and fit nobly. That was well done. Durin' the Revolutionary War B. ARNOLD made his way, through dense woods and thick snows, from Maine to Quebeck, which it was one of the hunkiest things ever done in the military line. It would have been better if B. On the Plains of Abraham there was onct some tall fitin', and ever since then there has been a great demand for the bones of the slew'd on that there occasion.

But the real ginooine bones was long ago carried off, and now the boys make a hansum thing by cartin' the bones of hosses and sheep out there, and sellin' 'em to intelligent American towerists. Takin' a perfessional view of this dodge, I must say that it betrays genius of a lorfty character. It reminded me of a inspired feet of my own. Well, this stattoo was lost somehow, and not sposin' it would make any particler difference I substitooted the full-grown stattoo of one of my distinguished piruts for the Boy Murderer.

One night I exhibited to a poor but honest audience in the town of Stoneham, Maine. A sad warning to all uncles havin' murderers for nephews. He carried no Sunday-school book. The teacher told him to go home and bring one. He went and returned with a comic song- book. A depraved proceedin'. How's that? I was angry. If it had been in these times I think I should have informed agin him as a traitor to his flag, and had him put in Fort Lafayette. I say adoo to Quebeck with regret.

It is old-fogyish, but chock-full of interest. Young gentlemen of a romantic turn of mind, who air botherin' their heads as to how they can spend their father's money, had better see Quebeck. Altogether I like Canady. Good people and lots of pretty girls. I wouldn't mind comin' over here to live in the capacity of a Duke, provided a vacancy occurs, and provided further I could be allowed a few star-spangled banners, a eagle, a boon of liberty, etc.

The Complete Works of Artemus Ward Part 2, War - Chapter 7

Don't think I've skedaddled. Not at all. I'm coming home in a week. But the Union, anyhow. Gentlemen of the editorial corpse, if you would be happy be virtoous! I who am the emblem of virtoo, tell you so. Justice to the noble aboorygine warrants me in sayin' that orrigernerly he was a majestic cuss.

They were innocent of secession, rum, draw-poker, and sinfulness gin'rally. They didn't discuss the slavery question as a custom. They had no Congress, faro banks, delirium tremens, or Associated Press. Their habits was consequently good. Late suppers, dyspepsy, gas companies, thieves, ward politicians, pretty waiter-girls, and other metropolitan refinements, were unknown among them. No savage in good standing would take postage-stamps. You couldn't have bo't a coonskin with a barrel of 'em. The female Aboorygine never died of consumption, because she didn't tie her waist up in whale-bone things; but in loose and flowin' garments she bounded, with naked feet, over hills and plains, like the wild and frisky antelope.

It would have been better for us of the present day if the injins had given him a warm meal and sent him home ore the ragin' billers. It would have been better for the show bisniss. The circulation of "Vanity Fair" would be larger, and the proprietors would all have boozum pins! Yes, sir, and perhaps a ten-pin alley. By which I don't wish to be understood as intimatin' that the scalpin' wretches who are in the injin bisness at the present day are of any account, or calculated to make home happy, specially the Sioxes of Minnesoty, who desarve to be murdered in the first degree, and if POPE will only stay in St.

To me he is wuss than ded! I took him from collige sum 16 years ago and gave him a good situation as the Bearded Woman in my Show. How did he repay me for this kindness? I know no such man as Olonzo Ward. I do not even wish his name breathed in my presents. I do not recognize him. I perfectly disgust him. The old man finds hisself once more in a Sunny climb. I cum here a few days arter the city catterpillertulated. My father was a sutler in the Revolootion War. My father once had a intervoo with Gin'ral La Fayette.

He asked La Fayette to lend him five dollars, promisin' to pay him in the Fall; but Lafy said "he couldn't see it in those lamps. Immejutly on my 'rival here I perceeded to the Spotswood House, and callin' to my assistans a young man from our town who writes a good runnin' hand, I put my ortograph on the Register, and handin' my umbrella to a baldheded man behind the counter, who I s'posed was Mr. Spotswood, I said, "Spotsy, how does she run? His brother-in-law's Aunt bought her rye meal of my uncle Levi all one winter.

My uncle Levi's rye meal was--". Obsravin' to him not to be so keerless with that wepin, I accompanid the African to my lodgins. Do you realize how glorus it is to be free? Tell me, my dear brother, does it not seem like some dreams, or do you realize the great fact in all its livin' and holy magnitood? I was show'd to the cowyard and laid down under a one-mule cart. Tho' I should hav' slept comf'ble enuff if the bed-clothes hadn't bin pulled off me durin' the night, by a scoundrul who cum and hitched a mule to the cart and druv it off.

I thus lost my cuverin', and my throat feels a little husky this mornin'. Gin'ral Hulleck offers me the hospitality of the city, givin me my choice of hospitals. There is raly a great deal of Union sentiment in this city. I see it on ev'ry hand. I met a man to-day--I am not at liberty to tell his name, but he is a old and inflooentooial citizen of Richmond, and sez he, "Why! We've bin fightin' agin the Old Flag! Lor' bless me, how sing'lar! Sed another a man of standin' and formerly a bitter rebuel , "Let us at once stop this effooshun of Blud!

The Old Flag is good enuff for me. Sir," he added, "you air from the North! Have you a doughnut or a piece of custard pie about you? I told him no, but I knew a man from Vermont who had just organized a sort of restaurant, where he could go and make a very comfortable breakfast on New England rum and cheese. He borrowed fifty cents of me, and askin' me to send him Wm. Lloyd Garrison's ambrotype as soon as I got home, he walked off. Said another, "There's bin a tremendous Union feelin here from the fust.

But we was kept down by a rain of terror. Have you a dagerretype of Wendell Phillips about your person? Davis is not pop'lar here. She is regarded as a Southern sympathizer. She ran away from 'em many years ago, and has never bin back. This was showin' 'em a good deal of consideration when we refleck what his conduck has been. He was opposed to the war at the fust, and draw'd his sword very reluctant. He sez the colored man is right, and he will at once go to New York and open a Sabbath School for negro minstrels.

The surrender of R. Lee, J. Johnston and others leaves the Confedrit Army in a ruther shattered state. That army now consists of Kirby Smith, four mules and a Bass drum, and is movin' rapidly to'rds Texis. Feelin' a little peckish, I went into a eatin' house to-day and encountered a young man with long black hair and slender frame. He didn't wear much clothes, and them as he did wear looked onhealthy. He frowned on me, and sed, kinder scornful, "So, Sir--you come here to taunt us in our hour of trouble, do you? You're a low-lived Yankee! He et very ravenus. Poor feller!

He had lived on odds and ends for several days, eatin' crackers that had bin turned over by revelers in the bread tray at the bar. He got full at last, and his hart softened a little to'ards me. Young man," I mildly but gravely sed, "this crooil war is over, and you're lickt! It's rather necessary for sumbody to lick in a good square, lively fite, and in this 'ere case it happens to be the United States of America. You fit splendid, but we was too many for you. You see my spectacles is misten'd with suthin' very like tears. I'm thinkin' of our widders and orfuns North, and of your'n in the South.

I kin cry for both. B'leeve me, my young fren', I kin place my old hands tenderly on the fair yung hed of the Virginny maid whose lover was laid low in the battle dust by a fed'ral bullet, and say, as fervently and piously as a vener'ble sinner like me kin say anythin', God be good to you, my poor dear, my poor dear. You Southern fellers is probly my brothers, tho' you've occasionally had a cussed queer way of showin' it!

It's over now. Let us all line in and make a country on this continent that shall giv' all Europe the cramp in the stummuck ev'ry time they look at us! Adoo, adoo! And as I am through, I likewise say adoo to you, jentle reader, merely remarkin' that the Star-Spangled Banner is wavin' round loose agin, and that there don't seem to be anything the matter with the Goddess of Liberty beyond a slite cold.

I saw you in Canady a few years ago. I remember you too. I seldim forget a person. Excoose me. Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body politic. The body politic, in fack, is sick. I sometimes think it has got biles, friend Wales. In my country we've got war, while your country, in conjunktion with Cap'n Sems of the "Alobarmy," manetanes a nootral position! And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud my able-bodied relations has got to prosekoot the war. When I git a goakin fit onto me it's no use to try ter stop me.

You hearn about the draft, friend Wales, no doubt. It is troo that Wendill Phillips, who is a American citizen of African scent, 'scaped, but so did Vallandiggum, who is Conservativ, and who wus resuntly sent South, tho' he would have bin sent to the Dry Tortoogus if Abe had 'sposed for a minit that the Tortoogusses would keep him. We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a female sewin' circle, which ansers the same purpuss, and we wasn't long in suspents as to who was drafted.

One young man who was drawd claimed to be exemp because he was the only son of a widow'd mother who supported him. A few able-bodid dead men was drafted, but whether their heirs will have to pay 3 hundrid dollars a peace for 'em is a question for Whitin', who 'pears to be tinkerin' up this draft bizniss right smart. I hope he makes good wages.

artemus ward (E-kitapları)

I think most of the conscrips in this place will go. A few will go to Canady, stopping on their way at Concord, N. You see I'm sassy, friend Wales, hittin' all sides; but no offense is ment. You know I ain't a politician, and never was. I vote for Mr. Union--that's the only candidate I've got. I claim, howsever, to have a well-balanced mind; tho' my idees of a well-balanced mind differs from the idees of a partner I once had, whose name it was Billson.

The play didn't take particlarly, and says Billson to me, Let's giv 'em some immoral dramy. We had a large troop onto our hands, consisting of eight tragedians and a bass drum, but I says, No, Billson; and then says I, Billson, you hain't got a well-balanced mind. Says he, Yes, I have, old hoss-fly he was a low cuss --yes, I have. I have a mind, says he, that balances in any direction that the public rekires.

That's wot I call a well-balanced mind. I sold out and bid adoo to Billson. He is now an outcast in the State of Vermont. The miser'ble man once played Hamlet. But to return to our subjeck. With our resunt grate triumps on the Mississippi, the Father of Waters and them is waters no Father need feel 'shamed of--twig the wittikism? And what upon airth do the people of Concord, N.

Hain't you got the State House now? But all this is furrin to the purpuss of this note, arter all. My objeck in now addressin' you is to giv you sum advice, friend Wales, about managin' your wife, a bizniss I've had over thirty years experience in. You had a good weddin. The papers have a good deal to say about "vikins" in connexion thare with. Not knowings what that air, and so I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook of the throne, I can't zackly say whether we hab 'em or not.

We was both very much flustrated. But I never injoyed myself better in my life. Dowtless, your supper was ahead of our'n. As regards eatin' uses, Baldinsville was allers shaky.

Yayınevi Açıklaması

You can git half a mackril at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's for six dollars, and biled pertaters throw'd in. As I sed, I manige my wife without any particler trouble. When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of experiments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd.

You'd better do similer. Your wife may objeck to gittin' up and bildin' the fire in the mornin', but if you commence with her at once you may be able to overkum this prejoodiss. I regret to obsarve that I didn't commence arly enuff. I wouldn't have you s'pose I was ever kicked out of bed. I simply say, in regard to bildin' fires, that, I didn't commence arly enuff.

It was a ruther cold mornin' when I fust proposed the idee to Betsy. It wasn't well received, and I found myself layin' on the floor putty suddent. I thought I'd git up and bild the fire myself. Of course now you're marrid you can eat onions. My daughter, who is goin' on 17 and is frisky, says they's disgustin. And speaking of my daughter reminds me that quite a number of young men have suddenly discovered that I'm a very entertainin' old feller, and they visit us frekently, specially on Sunday evenins. One young chap--a lawyer by habit--don't cum as much as he did.

My wife's father lives with us. His intelleck totters a little, and he saves the papers containin' the proceedins of our State Legislater. The old gen'l'man likes to read out loud, and he reads tol'ble well. He eats hash freely, which makes his voice clear; but as he onfortnitly has to spell the most of his words, I may say he reads slow. Wall, whenever this lawyer made his appearance I would set the old man a-reading the Legislativ' reports. I kept the young lawyer up one night till 12 o'clock listenin to a lot of acts in regard to a drawbridge away orf in the east part of the State, havin' sent my daughter to bed at half-past 8.

Museo Lucha por la Paz

He hasn't bin there since, and I understan' he says I go round swindlin' the Public. I never attempted to reorganize my wife but onct. I shall never attempt agin. I'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's healths; and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continnerd drinkin' their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at night with consid'ble licker concealed about my person. I had sumhow got perseshun of a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' sum cranky observations of Mrs.

I have cum, Betsy," I continued--crackin the whip over the bed--"I have cum to reorganize you! Haave you per-ayed tonight? I dream'd that sumbody had laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootiv times; and when I woke up I found she had. I hain't drank much of anythin' since, and if I ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out.

Complete Works by Artemus Ward, Used

My wife is 52 years old, and has allus sustained a good character. She's a good cook. Her mother lived to a vener'ble age, and died while in the act of frying slapjacks for the County Commissioners. And may no rood hand pluk a flour from her toomstun! We hain't got any picter of the old lady, because she'd never stand for her ambrotipe, and therefore I can't giv her likeness to the world through the meejum of the illusterated papers; but as she wasn't a brigadier-gin'ral, particlerly, I don't s'pose they'd publish it, any how.

It's best to give a woman considerable lee-way. But not too much. A naber of mine, Mr. Roofus Minkins, was once very sick with the fever, but his wife moved his bed into the door-yard while she was cleanin' house. I toald Roofus this wasn't the thing, 'specially as it was rainin' vi'lently; but he said he wanted to giv his wife "a little lee-way. I told Mrs. Minkins that her Roofus would die if he staid out there into the rain much longer; when she said, "It shan't be my fault if he dies unprepared," at the same time tossin' him his mother's Bible. It was orful! I stood by, however, and nussed him as well's I could, but I was a putty wet-nuss, I tell you.

There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants to. I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a charm. Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales, and good luck to you both! And as years roll by, and accidents begin to happen to you-- among which I hope there'll be Twins--you will agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on with any certinty of winnin'. It may interest you to know that I'm prosperin' in a pecoonery pint of view. Respecks to St.

Ever be 'appy. Read Free For 30 Days. Flag for inappropriate content. For Later. Related titles. Web addresses will be hyperlinked :. Complete Works of Artemus Ward, The -- Part 2: War by Ward Download Book Respecting the intellectual property of others is utmost important to us, we make every effort to make sure we only link to legitimate sites, such as those sites owned by authors and publishers.

If you have any questions about these links, please contact us. Joy in the House of Ward. Ward to his Wife. Interview with President Lincoln. Interview with the Prince Napoleon. A Hard Case. Affairs around the Village Green. About Editors. A Little Difficulty in the Way. Colored People's Church. Market Morning. We See Two Witches. From a Homely Man. The Elephant. How the Napoleon of Sellers was Sold. On Autumn. Paying for his Provender by Praying.

Hunting Trouble. Dark Doings. The Gentlemanly Conductor. Morality and Genius. Rough Beginning of the Honeymoon. A Colored man of the Name of Jeffries. He found he Would. A Mayoralty Election. Fishing Excursion. The Show is Confiscated. Thrilling Scenes in Dixie. Fourth of July Oration.

The War Fever in Baldinsville. A War Meeting.