- My Road to Recovery: Back and Forth Over and Over by Bill Graybeal
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My heart goes out to you. I hope your have the support you need. Thanks to everyone who comments on this site. I have a 39 year old daughter in jail who has always been a very difficult person to help. Very Low frustration level, maybe ADD and a strong personality were all aided and abbeted by my broken marriage ,my immature single parenting and an absent father.
I kept trying to stave off disaster by providing money because I felt she was fragile or incapable of caring for herself. I admit to all of these failures but I always loved her and misguidedly intervened too many times to save her,give her a new start etc. I know now love is not enough. I did not have the experiences or knowledge to be a good guide. Today I fear for my own safety due to her level of rage. Yes she has made choices and yes I have not helped to guide her as she needed but what do you do when you are emotionally still a baby and you have a baby.
At this point after thousands of dollars, a horrifying intervention attempt involving a specialist and her two best friends and too many heartbreaking conversations,I feel the need to save myself and other family members. Can I be forgiven. I do not know. I read your blog and completely agree reagarding us as parents enabling him to continue. He is living at home, so we are in a way supporting him-he eats, sleeps, showers and does his own laundry here-we offer him no spending money, he tells me he begs for gas money.
He had never used before being involved with her, when he met her she was clean. I am angry that he has chosen this route. Where can parents go to get the support for this? Set clear limits with your son and set clear deadlines for eliminating support and keep them i. Frequently we play the role of intermediary so you may want to look for someone to fill that position. Also, look at the materials available at threeminutetherapy. Feel free to call us as well. Many parents I see have found Alanon to be very helpful and supportive.
While it is primarily for the family members of alcoholics, I do think you too will find it very helpful. If you call your local United Way they can give the tele number for the local Alanon or AA office that you can then call to get schedule and location information. What do I do about growing And children? Their father has them part time but is struggling financially so I cannot try guardianship of my grandchildren.
My daughter is a drunk lying self absorbed the if who has wiped out my savings. I want her out and do not want her children here in visiting days as she is a neglectful mother. My heart breaks for them. But I want her out of my life without my grandchildren thinking I hate them too. This is the saddest website. Parents and loved ones seeking solace because of a lost loved-one.
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What is the answer. Who knows. My beloved daughter died recently. She was not speaking to me, because she did not want to listen to me about the choices she was making. I know tough love is the way to go but sometimes you have to pay with guilt. I have to remember the daughter she was before the addiction took her from me.
Even then, I love her more than words or pain can say. She was onyl 39 years old. Been thru it all too. It has changed who I am. I know in my heat did all I could do for my alcoholic son. I tried it all. Been thru it all. Knowing there are meds to help the cravings pellets to implant. On and on. Too much when one day someone tried to kill him during his black out stage. Seeing my son on life support not knowing if he will live or die has changed who I am forever.
I understand this horrible pain we all share all too well! This site is making me face the fact that I am enabling my daughter 25 she finished an in house program about 3 months ago. When she came out she moved to a new city, got a new job tried to get new friends. My Husband and I are well off and planning a trip with our other younger daughter to celebrate her graduation from highschool she is totally different from our older daughter.
My 25 year old makes us feel so guilty about the trip. She had such a promising future now shes just so angery all the time. When I question her she gets really mad and tells me she is fine. I love her so much and want her to do well. You have to make the decision to enable her or to cut her off. I hope she is doing better, by now. If she is, you will know in your heart, otherwise, pray for her.
I feel like I could have written several of the comments on this website. My 29 year old wonderful son before the addiction , a college graduate, was arrested again tonight. Just hours before the arrest, I once again had the delusion that he was clean. I have enabled, I have tried, I have cried, and I have failed. He has lost so much, and my family has lost my son to the ravages of the drug epidemic in this county.
I do believe that we have lost that war. Tough Love? Yes it is. The person who wants to teach very young children makes me feel so guilty, because I took it for granted that my children would know better. What an idiot I was and am! What does work? Occasionally we are able to work with families as a whole because drug and alcohol abuse always occur within a context, and the abuse is always a choice on the part of the user. This is simply nonesense. What can work? Weaning the person off of their access to financial support, frequently with third party support, and meaning it. Refusing to be blackmailed, emotionally or otherwise.
Better yet, give to the others and let the addict know that getting their share depends on cleaning up first. Other ideas? Remember that drug and alcohol use and abuse are always choices that the abuser is making and they are choices that can be changed. Stop rewarding the use and abuse. Our sympathy to all of you — we have been on both ends of this problem and understand the frustrations, hurt, anger, and, yes, dispair. Thank you to those that created this website — I am a mother of a 30 year old I. The saddest thing about this for me at this incrediable burnt out moment in time is the fact that she is raising a child.
A child who I love and adore and the carnage is hofific. Yes I have had legal custody, those of you who will understand know that I have exhausted every avenue of help and hope and am emotionally financially and psychologically burnt out. I do not mean to take away from others grief but sometimes I think that death would be easier to deal with.
I live in a nightmare. She also has a mental health diagnosis: Mood disorder. Of course the drugs and she is a poly addict, accentuate this condition. I have had custody of my grandaughter but the love and loyalty and disfunction is such that she prefers to be with her mother as the roles in this relationship are reversed, the child does the parenting. At this point in my life I am selling my home in this recession and moving countries to get away from this madness.
I will always have a safe home for my grandaughter to come to should she wish that wherever I am in the world I dont even expect to be happy anymore, I just want some peace in my life. I am a widowed mother of 3. My youngest, in his 30s is my concern. I have read this with a view to him that he is not necessarily addicted to drugs, but perhaps, addicted to video games.
He is a college grad. When I express my concerns, he argues that there are no jobs for him. I have already had to refinance my mortgage in order to pay for a college loan that I co-signed for him. Do I make threats of throwing him out of the house? Where can I get help in dealing with this issue? If you can direct me I would really appreciate it. Thank you. We would suggest that while there are some factors in common with addiction, this is much more apt to be a case of avoiding growing up.
Regardless, his behavior is still a choice on his part.
My Road to Recovery: Back and Forth Over and Over by Bill Graybeal
Good morning, I am a South African mom. I lost my husband to cancer two years ago and my two sons 22 and 25 were using drugs even before my husband became ill. We tried everything and I know can see, after reading all the replies on this site, that we as parents tried all we can, they were very young and did not listen and the biggest mistake I guess we made was believing them, always helping them out of messes they got into and forcing them into every therapy we could think of, believing this is it. Sad to say, after my husband died thing only became worse and they started to manipulate and mentally and verbally abuse me.
By times they would even get aggressive towards me pushing me around to get their way. Very soon they were the parents and I the child. They ruled every aspect of my life. It was as if I belonged to them, like property. They stole from me no matter what, they took it without remorse. Their druggie friends occupied my house when I come from work with no intention of respecting me or my home. I really started fearing for my life and made a choice to take my own life. Just to put a end to my hell.
Then I met a lovely man. My boys treated him like trash. Despite all of that and with numerous attempts from himself to make peace with them even though he did nothing wrong it just kept on spinning more and more out of control. After a year of dating, and when my oldest assaulted me in front of him he took me away from it all to live with him.
They then moved to my parents sucking them dry. My parents would not listen when I told them to stop aiding the boys. I got married and my boys did not attend the ceremony still blaming me for leaving them for another man. Soon my parents being very ill ask the boys to get out. They moved in with an older girlfriend of my youngest.
I had enough for even if they do not stay with us or my parents, they still keep on sucking my parents dry and keep on demanding stuff I owned, stating it is their inheritance. I feel I am placed in the middle on the spot to make a decision regarding cutting them of and getting them out of every-bodies lives. I am so tired and feel past hopeless. Let go and in your heart give them back to God. You chose to become your husbands wife.
Enjoy being his wife and the girls. Mourn your boys for who they used to be- speak the truth to your parents— if they feel in danger they can call the police. My husband died of an overdose, both my adult sons are alcoholics- torture me. I had them both evicted and am depressed that this is what happened to my life and that this is what they all chose.
For 30 years I have fought against this disease. The Lord will see me through. You have been very blessed by having a good man that came and rescued you. This is their end here—. Pray for their salvation and be so grateful for being taken out of it. Thank you very much for your input. I will be talking with a counselor next week — a man, in order to get a male perspective — and that may help.
However your responses have also been very helpful. Again, thank you. Monday and Tuesday evenings for free consults. Sorry to take so long getting back to you. Please let me know how I can reach you by phone — that is, time zone and phone number. I feel supported in Alanon its aparent focus group. My caring thoughts to all of us who still struggle. I am so glad to have found this web site. I to have a 26 year old daughter who I am certain is on drugs.
She was doing fine until a year ago. All the sudden she could no longer afford to pay her bills, buy groceries, etc. We let her move into one of our rentals and she was doing fine until around Christmas. She had all kinds of excusses why she could not pay her rent. We let it slide because she is our daughter that is having a hard time.
Then, she just quit going to work all the while being reminded by us that her rent was past due over and over again. Then, she spent her tax money and unemployment checks on laptops, etc. Still no rent, no groceries, no electricity, etc. Her behavior is irrational, loosing weight, I found drugs in her apartment and THEN offered help in rehab or move.
She did nothing so I served her a 3 day notice to move. She is now staying in a motel room. The last straw was yesterday when she got into a car accident and had her car that WE gave her totalled. It was discovered she had no insurance, no current registration and once again asking only for help and money. I declined both and again only offered help with rehab. She called me stupid for thinking she is on drugs and some other very painful comments.
One would think these painfull words alone would help me to stay strong and not enable her but my heart is still breaking and am fighting the desire to help her since she will be kicked out of her motel at noon tomorrow. How do I stop my heart from breaking? I hate to see my own child homeless but know she must learn from her actions. If anyone has words of hope it would really be appreciated right now. Unhappily, most of us have this underlying belief that there is a good choice in all situations — something that will make things right or better or okay.
But experience teaches us that all to often we are left with the least awful of a lot of lousy choices. When these time appear, as they have for you, we are stuck with looking at the alternatives. It really does help — albeit only slightly — to remember that she has no interest in changing at this point in time. It might help to call and talk to one of us and we are usually available Monday — Friday or read additional notes for families on our website.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. Today was another very difficult day. As most of you probably know only to well, it is such a feeling of loss and uncertainty right now. I find my emotions going up and down. My fear that I may loose her forever is almost to much to handle. My husband has reminded me that we must step back and allow her to get to a point of her asking for help and although I do realize this in my mind, I wish I could realize this in my heart.
I now realize that my daughters hatred and anger towards me are because I chose early on to not believe her lies and have pointed this out to her when she would call for money. Maybe I should have been like the rest of my family and just shut up and not said anything except that I would not help her but I just could not bring myself to listen to her obvious lies and not comment back.
I have learned since that I must make any phone conversations with her short and sweet and to the point. No more calling her on her lies, just say no to her request and let it go. It makes it easier to not hear any more sob stories or lies and just let it go. I have made it very clear that the only help I will give her is rehab. Thank you again for your words of wisdom. I received a call last night from my 25 year old son. He was crying and told me that he needed help. He has been on and off drugs and alcohol since the age of My son has a heart condition and I am so afraid of getting that call.
What can we do to help him? I am 50 years old and have a 16 year old daughter living at home with us. I desperately need some help. He has tried to kill himslef once and is trying to change his ways. Monique,I truly feel your heartache. In my own situation I have had that same call from my daughter on more occasions than I can almost take.
My medical training has always taught me to take suicide threats very seriously so of course I did with my own child. To date I have not received another call from her regarding that subject. She had cut her wrist in her late teens and I did the same thing… called and got her into counseling so I believe she knew I was serious about calling. Luckily, when she did cut her wrist it was a superficial scrape but the undertones of her actions made me realize that she needed help.
Most people who have existing mental disorders, the use of drugs or alcohol only amplify the disorder. I consider myself lucky that to date, her threats appear to be just that… a threat following my denial of money. It was difficult to get her help then and even more difficult to do this now when our children are grown and can make decisions for themselves. My feelings on this is that in my own situation, I felt that if a third party went in there such as the police, if nothing else they would find her under the influence or the drugs in her posession and she could be taken to jail for that alone.
If the police intervene, a judge can also give a court order for them to go to rehab while on probation and if caught with drugs or alcohol while on probation, they are in violation and can go back to jail. Although this choice was what I felt most comfortable with it may not be for everyone. Thank you so much for your input Ruthie. I talked to my son today and he sounded much better, I know that he is trying to get clean. He told me today that he has got to get his life together.
I also told him that I am here for him when he needs to talk, but I would not send him money for drugs or alcohool. He said that it was up to him to get better and he promised me that he would get better. I also told him to live in the moment and not in the past or the future. When he said goobye to me and said that he loved me, I know that the day will come for him to be better. I also told him that we loved him and that would never change but I would not be the one bying his drugs, he did not want money he said and just before hanging up he said again that I love you and I will change.
Monique, I am very glad to hear that your son realizes he is in need of help and has the desire to get clean. I know first hand how difficult it is to hear your child crying and upset. As a parent it breaks our hearts. My last conversation with my daughter involved me being strong and telling her that the only help I would offer her was rehab and holding firm to that but, strong or not, once I hung up the phone I cried my heart out. Not only does it hurt that we must see or hear our children in this situation but also the hurtfull words they can say to us.
I try to find peace in my heart knowing that I have planted the seed that we would help her into rehab once she makes the choice that she wants to change but I am still waiting for that call that she is indeed ready. I want my daughter back and our family whole again. I wish you the best with your son and hope that all works out well for you and your family. As difficult as it is, we must all continue to hold hope that things will change for the better. I am the mother of a year-old addict, and a year-old with mental health problems. There are more common denominators than differences.
I am working on the detachment, I am not enabling, I am protecting my relationship with my husband and also guarding our finances. I know there is not much more I can do. What are the common denominators in the people who do recover long-term? Right now, I have almost no hope. I think if I had a glimmer of hope, and maybe knew something I could do that would be positive, life would be more tolerable.
Some say alot depends on what drugs they are on, etc. What gets me thru my own situation is that I use my best friends husband as an example. He was an alcoholic for years who had been in and out of jail over a span of several decades. All of the sudden, one day, he just made a conscience decision that he was not going to do that anymore and got into some very intense counseling. All those years he had been running instead of dealing and it got him no where.
That was almost 10 years ago now and we have the wonderful friend back that we always knew was there. When I start to feel very discouraged about my situation, I call him. He has been a rock of not only support but hope as well. I am a true believer that no one can do this alone. My belief system is that anyone that makes the decision to change needs counseling along with medical supervision to make the transition back into the real world as easy as possible.
Dealing with whatever they are running from is a MUST in my book. She has put herself in some very bad situations and God only knows where that took her. This is where as a parent we want to just reach out and hug them and let them know that they can talk to us about anything and we will try to make it all better but if their running from their own mind, only they can make it all better with the help of a good therapist that they can talk with open and honestly and feel no guilt or shame in expressing their feelings and experiences with.
Also, no matter if its drugs or alcohol someone is using, the need for medical supervision is a must. Detox from any of these substances can be life threatning and they need to be detoxed gradually to avoid any serious side effects of quiting. I believe there is always hope and we must hang on to that hope. Again, in my own situation I have found this easier to do once I distanced myself from my daughters problems and just put the message out to her that we will get her help once she is ready and will not help her with anything but that.
My heart truly feels for you at this time but I want to encourage you to keep the hope alive. I have seen first hand that it can happen. Talked to my son on Wednesday, he told me that he has been going to his meetings and is also in contact with his sponsor. It is a big relief to me and his dad and sister. He also told me that he went to put the money down at a College so that he can continue his education and wants to be able to help others in the future. I told him that we will support him with this decision and would pay for his education but the money would go directly to the college and he was happy with that.
Is it a bad thing or am I enabling him again?? I just want him to be happy. I love my son so much and have been through so much with him? He is so kind and thoughtful to other people and has such a big heart. I hope that he means it and that I can go to sleep at night and not worry and cry myself to sleep. If for some reason he stops, you can then have him drop the classes by the designated date so you can get a refund of your money. This will require alot of work on your part. Besides paying for the units there is also books, etc. I do hope that he starts off slow since his recovery should be first and foremost.
Having too much responsibility and stress in his life could lead to the same old habit of escape again… As all college grads know, the studying, test and finals can be quite stressfull. I would like to think that his sponsor will remind him of this so he takes it slow at the start. He has made the right start by going to his meetings and staying in touch with his sponsor and this makes me very happy for not only him but your family as a whole.
I wish you and your family the best. As for my situation, my daughter is coming over tomorrow for Easter dinner. I was surprised she wanted to come over since she was so angry at me for calling her out on her addiction and my suggestion of rehab but, if she wants to be here as part of the family for the holiday, I will welcome her with open arms. Although I must be strong, I am still a parent who wants my child to know that no matter what, I will always love her. Good or bad each new day is an opportunity for a brighter future.
Some days are better than others but my hope continues on no matter what. In reading and writing about all of the difficult situations parents face with their drug and alcohol abusing children — children of all ages — it is also heartening to read about those of you who have seen posative changes. Part of the on-going problem remains, however. The vast majority of treatment regimens are counter-productive — creating and justifying more abuse than they end. Unhappily, nothing works predictably. But we can support posative change paying for college directly to the college is an excellent example and refuse to mitigate negative consequences.
Another important possibility is to do your own research — real research, not treatment program marketing hype. You can find links to independent research on our website and learn what actually does work. You can also find help on this site, listings of professionals who do real treatment for real people. Remember that drugs and alcohol do provide predictable and effective short term relief and that switching to a long term perspective is hard — as any smoker knows.
But successful change is possible, even likely, with the right information, assistance, and willingnes to wait — hard as that is. A little history. I am mother of a 42 year old son and since junior high school I have been bailing him out. He has never been arrested or in jail, but has had several failed marriages and relationships over the years due to his inability to keep a job and consistently stay off drugs. He moved in with yet another woman and did drugs for another year when he called and said she left him and he was stranded. Currently, he has been in rehab at the shelter for about 45 days.
He says is doing well and just informed me he has committed to the 12 month program, as he did not feel the 90 days would be enough. My concern is how to encourage without enabling. I am meeting him for the first time in two days to take him to lunch. I know his clothes were stolen and he has no money. I hate contributing to such a bad habit, but with trying so hard to kick the drugs, is it to much to expect him to give up cigarettes too?
I want to encourage and be there for him, but do not want to fall into the trap of enabling. He seems to be very serious about changing his life, but I have been down this road so many times before. Please, anyone have any advice? My son is 31 and on his 4th dwi, we stopped bailing him out on his third and now 4th, he thinks he might get some prison time. Talk about manipulation! I am scared and out of my mind because I have to let him go and let him hit his own bottom and be responsible for his own actions? I blame myself for his addiction. I know its hard but I have to survive this one day at a time.
My son went through this Program through Salvation Army and he needs nothing in there they give him everything and he will earn it through work. Great program BUT they do get out and it has only been a year and my son is right back to how he was when he went in. So I am just sad these drugs they are choosing are so brain damaging it will be a life long fight.
I am so thankful that I found this site.
I also have a 42 year old son that has been struggling with alcohol addiction. He just got out of the hospital 3 days ago. I have always been there for him hoping that it would be the last time and it isnt. This is so different because I have never done this before. Instead i am now going to Alanon meetings for the support. I feel so guilty and his friends are telling me he feels alone and like I have given up on him.
I am finally allowing God to take the wheel and help my son make the right choice and get help. I am 65 years old and it is taking a toll on my health so I had to make different choices for me. This is years of trying to keep him out of shelters or the streets by paying for hotels every time he walks away from jobs and apartments. I pray i am doing the right thing this time because his drink I g has only gotten worse. Thank you so much for sharing your story and God bless your son and your family.
My husband was sober for 11 years thanks to AA- he stopped going and started drinking and using drugs after about 2 years. It was hell. He died in February of an overdoses and staying with the thought in his mind that he had it in him to overcome it. They are powerless over the use of alcohol and drugs — it will overtake them and ruin their lives. It will take what they give. Thanks, everyone. I feel strength in the fact that I am not alone in this. I also feel dismay that the problem is so widespread. This is the most painful situation I can fathom, and I appreciate you all taking the time to respond to me.
What else could be worse? If you wish to contact me, it would be my pleasure to share my experience and to listen to yours. I do not agree with some of you here. Talking about genetics addiction etc. Neither I or my wife we have never ever and not our parents, or grandparents taken any substances at all. Our life values and traditions are quite different then what our daughter has had learn here. Her complete education including some private schools was done here in the US.
We in on the other hand got our degrees in Europe. Someone might ask what that has anything to do with the described above situation. It does a lot! Because of lack of a real and true engagement in the life of those young souls. The US is maybe…and again maybe the strongest military power in the world, but at the same time its people are very isolated, misinformed and having problems with social interaction.
That Dream was a true reality maybe 50 or 70 years ago, but not now. Openness, understanding, respect, tolerance and proper cultural exchange, on the other hand will create much larger and on the bigger scale richness to all of us in every aspect of life. I do apologize any of you who might be insulted by my remarks.
Summarizing this in my opinion this is what can be done to protect future generation. Travel with them all over the World if possible , show them different cultures and values, show them how other nation live, teach them other languages very, very important. How many languages you know — that many times you are a person said Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Good luck to all of you. Alcoholics and drug addicts live in your country too. It respects no country. To say the past 7 years have been hell is to put it lightly other than the year she stayed sober while she was pregnant with our grandchild thank God.
Our grandson who is now 4 is with his father. J has been in and out of our home for a couple of years now. We have had contact via texting and phone calls. She says she wants inpatient rehab. She has never been in any rehab programs and while we are not poor, we are not wealthy by any means.
I feel like this is something she will have to for the most part do on her own. Am I way off base? We also have a son who is getting ready to graduate from university next month. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you, Janet. But there are a few realities:. If she is actually motivated and invested she will succeed. To educate yourself, pick up a copy of Changing For Good so that you will better understand how real change occurs and not be misled by rehab sales reps. Janet, please see the text from Mary Ellen and Ed.
In my own situation I contacted the County and found avail. During my own research I found that Counseling and Psych was also avail. Again, I gave her the info but did not make the call for her; this was for her to do if she truly wanted it. I also think that if they WANT to change then they will. No one can make that choice for them although I wish it was that easy. My daughter did come over for Easter and we had a wonderful visit. We to have another daughter who was an honor student. That was the last pair of expensive shoes she ever bought!
I still chuckle inside when she shows me a new pair of shoes that she is happy with that she bought at Walmart : My point is that children are just like any other person we would meet… all individuals with thoughts of their own. It is such a tremendous weight lifted off our shoulders. These are HER choices, right or wrong and I hope that she learns along the way. As for the drugs, she still denys it even after I found her with it several weeks ago but, as I have explained to her, I will be happy to talk with her about anything but money issues and when she is ready for help, I have the info avail.
I planted the seed and realize thats all I can do. My family and my husbands family are from another country and both our families, including ourselves have spent our lives trying to better ourselves to be able to have a better life for us and our children. THAT is the American dream. Our belief is that our parents left their country to come to America where jobs were more avail.
We have always instilled hard work and education in our children as did our parents. I thought after her teens years were behind her that maybe she had learned a lesson and would never want to go back to that way of life but i guess I was wrong. I see so much potential in her. She is so caring and giving and just has the kindest heart but does not seem to care that much about herself.
This is what I wanted her to get counsling for. I want her to know how precious she really is and feel that away about herself. To have self worth and self esteem and to respect herself and her body. As one parent to others… God bless us all and our children. I am sorry to hear of the situation with your daughter and, of course the similarly-difficult situations of the other parents who have posted here.
Since you have asked a specific question for advice on rehab programs, and this is something I have a great deal of experience with as a counselor who works with adults who have substance use problems and their families , I will give an opinion — based on the information you have shared here. Most of the private ones are incredibly expensive but that does not necessarily mean that they provide better care — just plusher surroundings. Part of coming to terms with her addictions will be experiencing the consequences of her choices and behaviors, which could mean a state-funded or sliding-scale rehab program.
No one including you owes her a luxury rehab stay. An inpatient rehab program is a great way for a person to get clean and sober and get a concentrated look at what recovery might mean. But an inpatient program can help a person bond with others, learn some of their deeper issues, and get some ideas about tools for staying clean and sober in the future. Support her choice for inpatient rehab but hold your ground on finding something you can afford — that is already showing her your concern.
Good luck and have courage. Thanks to all of you for your responses. They are so very helpful. I texted some numbers of sliding scale and state funded rehabs to her. I think you are all correct. That is all I can do other than provide the transportation to the rehab.
SHE has to do the work. Thanks again, Janet. My previously-mentioned son is trying for the second time to detox with Suboxone by himself. The last time, he says he was clean 8 months. His dad keeps him as isolated as possible in a gated community, no car, limited phone. My son now wants to come stay with me. In a weak moment last week, I said he could come, and now I realize I probably made a mistake.
The Six P's to a Great Recovery: Promise Persistence Patience Preparation Positioning Possession
How do I tell him? I hear he is very excited about coming to my house. I do not want to be co-dependent. But, the mom and R. He is always very respectful and sweet to me. He always expresses regret and shame about his oxycodone addiction. He is not rebellious or argumentative with me. How do I talk with him? You might want to consider a third alternative. A written agreement between you and your son under which he can stay with you for a defined period of time, contributing what he can in chores if not cash , and that he will leave immediately if he does this or that or whatever.
Think very defined pre-nuptual agreement with every detail spelled out and with his resonsibilities and consequences spelled out. There is usually a middle ground between being a chump and being hard hearted. Think of help that supports progress in an adult, not those activities which discourage growing up or reward staying drug abusive. Thanks so much. On the way home from work, I was thinking of this very thing, but wondering if I sounded like a naive fool to try.
The thing is, he has done nothing to me so far. No stealing. I want him to live more as an adult, not a captive child. Just one big worry — is it even possible that he can detox AND stay clean on his own? Is relapse inevitable? Should I make counseling or treatment one of the items on the contract? There are a few things about this that you might be interested in knowing.
First thing, Suboxone is available by prescription only legally , so he ought to be connected with a doctor who is certified to prescribe this. They have to take a special course and pass a test. Of course, there is no way to predict whether or not your son will be successful in his plan each person is unique and their ability to overcome addiction is also a unique property ; but generally speaking, his plan does not sound as though it will maximize the potential for recovery.
Good luck to both of you. The most important components to change are:. For your part, clear expectations and consequences are most important. He is responsible — for developing the habit, and for leaving it behind. It was a choice he made. He can also choose to quit. Thanks very much for your replies. My son has no insurance. We live in So. The doctor who gives my son his suboxone is licensed and has taken the requisite training, but he offers no support — in fact, he is one of the doctors who supplies oxys to people. The type of treatment all of you recommend is not available to us, as it is expensive.
New connections! Anyway, I drew up a contract, but he has not contacted me or returned my calls. I think he might have relapsed, or he would call. I will save your comments, Carol, Maryellen, and Ed, and refer to them 1 to help me get through this and 2 in case my son gets serious and I am in a position to try to help. Smart is research based and meant to be short term, not forever. My son came to my house to detox off suboxone which he and I do not recommend for others! It has been a very rough two weeks, but he is now out of the woods. It is his 18th day clean from everything.
He is feeling much better, has been out with family members, got his hair cut. We found a Smart Recovery outpatient facility nearby and he is going to call them. He is very determined, hopeful, and excited about his future. His good friend was recently clean for 30 days, took one oxy and relapsed, and he was very affected by that. I pray he can do it.
He has a lot of loving family members, and says he will get into counseling. He broke off all relationships with dealers and most of all, doctors, who were supplying him. I am actually very hopeful. He is back — his personality is restored, and he is my son again. I am ever mindful that this will be a lifelong struggle, and he may slip again, but he is very, very determined, and wants very much to succeed. Dear Dawn and Son, My prayers for you both.
Have strength, you and only you have the power to take the power back. Good luck. My heart tugged a little reading some of these posts. In the event it helps anyone: I was addicted to pills. It started out with a prescription that was poorly monitored and prescribed, which spun out of control into a full-blown addiction to the drug and others. My family was at wits end for a year, shouldered many unpredictable bills, and weathered many episodes of withdrawal, relapse, and lying in that time. Two family members took me in at different times, one for a week, one for the months when I made it through and actually quit.
Sometimes people really do get better. But ultimately, the addicted person has to be ready. I wish I could remember enough from that period to tell you what happened to turn things around, but I remember my family not giving up on me- and setting firm limits. Most cut contact completely, one or two made very limited contact with me. I feel what many of you are going through, best of luck. Anon, Hope you are still working for your sobritiy. I know it must be very hard. She passed away July Jennifer was in rehab and clean for 3 months prior to her death.
It was like having my daughter back. Thank you so much for the advice and support you give others. I am so sorry to hear of your loss…. Wow,like so many others here, I could fill in my sons name for these stories. I know at least since he was He has had ups and downs, but he has really gotten bad. I do NOT give him any money, or help, because I have read enough to know that this would just enable him.
He keeps helping him and it certainly puts a strain on the marriage. We have 2 other children who are wonderful, and learned from seeing their older brother, what a mess drugs have made of his life, and have thankfully steered clear of them. I know he is doing heroine now. Again, I read these posts and feel so many of the same feelings. I understand thinking that maybe if he were dead, it would be better, and I feel terrible for feeling this way. Or if he was in jail, that would be better.
It is so frustrating because he had a promising future. But not anymore. I just wait for the phone call that he is either in jail, or dead. And from reading all these posts, I feel I am not alone. My pastor has recently told me that I should start attending the Alanon meetings, and I think I will try this, cause I feel like I am starting to go over the edge. I pray for my son every day, and he will have to make the choice to want help and even admit that he has a problem. Thank you for all of your comments and postings. It does help to know that I am not alone in all of this. I needed a dose of this.
I have taken this stand with our 29 yr old daughter who has been a drunk since age Leaders must continuously communicate that purpose to lead others an often volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous world. You might be a bad leader if you are too rigid. This is a failure to stay relevant. Staying the course is admirable, but a leader must know the times they are in.
They must be effective in their current reality. You might be a bad leader if you lack self-control. Leaders are not a superset of human beings. Leaders have impulses, desires, and needs, just like everyone else, but when we fail to control our impulses, we most often get in our own way and derail our leadership. We lose credibility as followers expect—and rightly so—leaders to put the needs of the group above their own. Of course, there are impulses that are merely a distraction for others, and then there are impulses that destroy us and hurt those around us. We must exhibit self-control for the sake of ourselves and others.
Leaders who lack self-control take themselves down. You might be a bad leader if you think the ends justify the means. By crossing one too many lines, we put ourselves on the road to unethical and even evil behavior. This failure of leadership is based in self-interest. Leaders are rightfully judged by their results but not at any cost. This toxic mindset is most often gradual, and when tolerated in an organization it begins to infect all decisions and diminishes everyone involved.
You might be a bad leader if you lead by fear. This kind of leader exerts a high degree of control. It also leads to incompetency as the organization can never rise above the leader themselves. In the end, the whole organization is incompetent. You might be a bad leader if you have a lack of respect for others—for just being people. A lack of respect manifests itself in being unkind, dismissive of the opinions and needs of others, controlling others, or showing partiality because of status or importance.
We respect others when we are curious about them and listen to them. You might be a bad leader if you fail to see beyond ourselves. As leaders, we are responsible not only to the people we lead but to all of those affected by our leadership. It is a failure to do the right thing—to not do right when it is in our power to do right. You might be a bad leader if you lack the competency for our job. Do we have to skills to move forward in the areas we have been tasked to lead? You might be a bad leader if you lack emotional intelligence. Leaders must be aware and sensitive to others and importantly, how their leadership is experienced by others.
This implies the need for honest and candid feedback and daily reflection. Our ego creates blind spots, so we must always keep our ego in check. This is where humility comes in. A good leader leads themselves first. We must be able to recognize the signs of bad leadership so we can deal with it before it undermines us. These mindsets come up time and time again because they are common to humankind. None of us are immune.
Only by recognizing them when we see them in our own leadership we can effectively deal with them. And where we find that disconnect we limit or even derail our leadership potential. In The Leadership Gap , Lolly Daskal addresses this gap—what it is, why it happens, and what we can do about it. The gap is always there but at some point, it comes the surface to sabotage us.
The problem is that one day, suddenly, what once worked so well to propel their rise stops working. And the very same traits that had worked for them actually start working against them. It is at this point that we need to begin asking ourselves some questions. And when there is that gap between how we want to be perceived and how we are actually being perceived, we need to take action.
Either way, an understanding of what drives can give us the insight we need to avoid our leadership gaps. Daskal invites us to look at who we are being and the instincts that drive our behaviors. She has developed seven leadership archetypes to help us gain some clarity as to what drives our beliefs and therefore our behaviors.
The Seven Archetypes. The Rebel who is driven by confidence. The gap archetype is The Imposter who is so insecure they play havoc with their mind because they have self-doubt. They undermine their leadership thus keeping them from achieving greatness. The Explorer who is fueled by intuition. The gap archetype is The Exploiter who manipulates every chance they get just so you will not know how powerless they really feel. The tendency for the Explorer is to use their intuition to manipulate others to gain control. The Truth Teller who embraces candor.
The gap archetype is The Deceiver who is suspicious about everyone because they cannot trust themselves to speak the truth. Discovering the truth and then speaking up for what is right is never easy but when we find we have been deceived, we can become paranoid and suspicious of others undermining our influence. We can become a kind of victim that will not speak up when we need to because of our paranoia.
The Hero who embodies courage. The gap archetype is The Bystander who is too fearful to be brave, too conservative to take a risk, and too cautious to take a stand. Once enabled by courage, they are now sidelined by fear. We are not really afraid of losing everything—we are afraid of what will happen when we have nothing. The Inventor who is brimming with integrity. Everything in business, leadership, and success is founded on the virtue of integrity—it is the force that leads the way. The gap archetype is The Destroyer who is morally corrupt. While an Inventor puts their personal values into practice, if those values become corrupted, usually by forces such as ego, personal gain, or anger, they destroy the organization from within.
The Destroyer advocates cutting corners, quick fixes and compromising quality and standards. The Navigator who trusts and is trusted as they guide people to where they need to go. The gap archetype is The Fixer who a chronic rescuer no one trusts They want to help too much, fix too much and rescue too much. They inspire trust. But their ability and confidence to know where to go and become an arrogance that attempts to control others—to do for others what they need to be doing themselves.
The Knight for whom loyalty is everything and will stand beside you and will serve you before they serve themselves. The gap archetype is The Mercenary who is self -serving and put their own needs before those of the team, the business or the organization. Often the transition from serving to self-serving is subtle. Only after unfaithfulness shapes itself does the self-serving attitude emerge in a way it can be detected and deciphered. Daskal reminds us that understanding our weaknesses is our greatest strength.
From these seven archetypes, we can see how each has powerful abilities and hidden impediments. By knowing the gaps we can get into we can better use our strengths to achieve our own leadership greatness. Daskal explains each of these archetypes in detail and importantly how we avoid these gaps. She describes what the positive looks like and what the negative looks like with examples for each. The Leadership Gap provides the antidote for leading on autopilot. Daskal provides insight into our behaviors and beliefs that can if not managed properly can derail even the most talented and successful leaders.
Confronting and avoiding our leadership gaps is the key to attaining long-term leadership success. Leadership feels like a talking role, but it is predominately a listening role. That can be hard to accept. It feels counterintuitive. Listening takes us outside our own heads. It gives us a chance to see things from a different perspective. It creates options.
It creates the space for serendipity. Listening takes us beyond our egos. Without it we begin to miss very elementary things. When we miss elementary things we crash and burn in a self-made morass of complexity. Listening clarifies. When we help others grow, we grow. Leaders guide people and then listen. Listening is the best way to turn someone from a victim of your talk to a supporter of your idea.
Listening gives others the chance to take ownership. Experience guarantees nothing. Growth is intentional. Thomas says that we have to change our approach to learning. Preparation is essential to learning. Thomas introduces a framework for crafting a PLS complete with exercises to help you properly move through each step.
It begins with a little introspection—understanding why you want to lead, what motivates you to do so and understanding how you learn. Then you need to access your capability in three core areas: adaptive capacity, engaging others through shared meaning, and integrity. From here you can see areas where you need to improve and strengthen in order to reach your leadership goals. Now you can assign behaviors to each of these areas that you can consciously practice at work and at home. Organizations too, can tap into the power of a PLS by adopting an experience-based approach to their leadership development program.
Organizations need to recognize the importance of crucible experiences and provide the resources people need to extract insight from them in addition to the regular technical and skills training people should be receiving. Most often those resources involve creating a process that links the two learning opportunities together. The trick is to harness the crucibles that life sets in motion so the opportunity for learning is not squandered. Accomplished leaders say that experience is their best teacher. Having a Personal Learning Strategy is a way of thinking about and looking at life that allows you to proactively grow from what life throws at you, rather than being knocked out by it.
You need a Personal Learning Strategy. Simple Solutions is directed toward getting things done. To do this you must learn what is important to all stakeholders. Simplified problems are ones that can be acted one through effective, focused communication. Authors, Tom Schmitt and Arnold Perl provide some practical steps to build this skill. They define a continuum of leadership as: clarity of thought leads to simplicity, which leads to focus and powerful communication—the essence of leadership.
Here are a few of the ideas found in this book:. Focus on the Amazing Goal, Not the Incremental. The deadly enemy of innovation is incrementalism. By just trying to make problems better a little bit at a time you can lose sight of the possibility of making a quantum leap. Be Directionally Correct.
The right answer can be one that is directionally correct. Determination versus Distractions. Determination is the willingness and ability to overcome obstacles and to avoid distractions. It requires the business savvy to separate the core of an issue from ancillary matters and then to continue plugging away at the core. It requires walking a fine line between passionate focus and blind stubbornness. Use your judgment to determine if the goal needs to be simplified, changed, or even abandoned altogether.
Like agile organizations—organizations that anticipate and respond to rapidly changing conditions by leveraging highly effective internal and external relationships—leadership agility is the ability to take wise and effective action amid complex, rapidly changing conditions. Leadership Agility is an interesting, thorough, and well-written book and one of the best on the topic. Building on the pioneering work of Piaget and Erickson in mapping the stages of human development from infants to adulthood—the pre-conventional stages—the authors identify three more stages they call the conventional stages: Conformer, Expert and Achiever.
And finally, there are the post-conventional stages they call: Catalyst, Co-Creator, and Synergist. Some people, of course, may never move through all of the stages. Of the managers they studied, most never move beyond the Achiever stage. They write, "Most top executives and administrators, state and national politicians, influential scientists, and other highly successful professionals have stabilized their development at [the Achiever] stage. What does it mean to be at one of the post-conventional stages? Research has shown that people at these post-conventional stages are more deeply purposeful, more visionary in their thinking, and more resilient in responding to change and uncertainty.
These stages are sequential and are not personality dependent. In other words, any one can be at any stage but you can move to another stage until you have mastered the one you are at. Each stage represents the maturation to a certain point of four competencies and their respective mental and emotional capacities. They state that highly agile leaders orchestrate the four competencies so that they work in concert. They have developed the Leadership Agility Compass to graphically represent these competencies.
All eight of the capacities contribute directly to your effectiveness as a leader. The outer circle on this graphic represents the tasks carried out using the four leadership agility competencies. The middle circle represents the four pairs of capacities that support these competencies.
Context-setting agility improves your ability to scan your environment, frame the initiatives you need to take, and clarify the outcomes you need to achieve. It entails stepping back and determining the best initiatives to take, given the changes taking place in your larger environment. Stakeholder agility increases your ability to engage with key stakeholders in ways that build support for your initiative.
It requires you to step back from your own views and objectives to consider the needs and perspectives of those who have a stake in your initiatives. Creative agility enables you to transform the problems you encounter into the results you need. It involves stepping back from your habitual assumptions and developing optimal solutions to the often novel and complex issues you face. Self-leadership agility is the ability to use your initiatives as opportunities to develop into the kind of leader you want to be.
It entails stepping back; becoming more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors; and experimenting with new and more effective approaches. After laying this groundwork in far more detail, Leadership Agility provides real life stories to demonstrate what leadership looks like at that level and then clarifies what it takes to move to the next level. You will also learn how to become more effective in your current level of agility.
Joseph White. Essentially, it is a blueprint for leadership development. He has created a leadership pyramid founded on basics such as a desire to be in charge, and the corresponding ability, strength, and character that all leaders—especially the great ones—must possess. From there he divides leadership characteristics between analytical reptilian leadership characteristics and those of the nurturing, engaged mammal.
While we generally have a tendency to lean one way or the other, we must develop a capacity to deal effectively with both the reptilian economic and performance issues and the mammalian soft or people issues. Both are vital and most people are, of course a complex mix of the two. We need task-oriented, no-nonsense Reptiles to ensure the work gets done and done well. We need people-oriented, nurturing Mammals to maintain the human community through which work gets done. Finally, all these skills and qualities will coalesce into something bigger than the sum of their parts, an intangible but very real "sparkle factor" that separates the great leaders from the merely good.
I wouldn't say anyone is born a leader. There have been some studies that indicate people who have been exposed to psychologically traumatic experiences are better leaders. They've had to overcome trials and tribulations. So they're more inclined to be challenging and look deep within themselves for what they believe in.
Leaders like that learn to be clear about the story they're telling about where they have come from and where they're going. Teaching people to control risk is much easier than teaching people to create it. And it's essential for companies to draw the distinction between leadership and management. It's just wrong to use them interchangeably. Managers tend to react. Leaders tend to seek out opportunities. Managers follow the rules. Leaders change the rules. Managers seek and follow direction.
Leaders inspire achievement. These are profound differences. Of course, you need both. But organizations fail to recognize the difference. Organizations start to fail when they start to produce too many managers and not enough leaders. Or too many leaders of a certain type. The lesson in the corporate world, how can you simulate that [traumatic experience] in the corporate world without destroying people. How can you learn from it without becoming a casualty. Looking at the basic personal and emotional components of leadership, the book offers a series of modules that individuals at many levels can study, deploy and refer to from time to time.
The lessons are geared toward diagnosing your own behaviors and then applying different techniques to leverage strengths and improve development areas. His web site has interactive tools to further explore your leadership style and preferences. This might be called imposing context. This speaks to the need we all share for a framework within which to live.
Context takes into account where we have been and where we are and where we want to go. The leader must add to the conversation those things that need to be considered to make proper choices. A leader should help to cut through the clutter and help people to consider especially those things beyond the realm of selfish concern. Ironically, getting where we want nearly always means not getting what we want. In a society that wants to achieve the desired ends by simply going straight to the desired ends and short-circuiting the necessary intermediate steps, this can be quite a challenge.
This is not just a cursory overview but an understanding of what we really think on issues we would rather not think about. Like a nighttime traveler attuned to every sound in the forest, the leader must be aware of all possibilities lurking in the shadows. For we can neither challenge not transform what we cannot see. What you believe about human nature influences your leadership style. If you believe people are fundamentally good—good meaning that they're trying to do their best, they're self-motivated, they want to perform—then your fundamental leadership style will be one way.
It will be empowering them, getting obstacles out of the way, and setting high goals while maintaining standards. If you believe people are fundamentally bad—if you believe people are constantly looking to get over and get by and won't do anything unless they're watched—then you'll tend to lead with a very transactional management style that's built primarily around rewards and punishments. Tight supervision, a controlling type of leadership style characterized by a great deal of social distance between leaders and led. The better we understand ourselves, the more authentic the contribution we can make— shed the image and do the job.
I thought I'd pass this along for the Father's Day weekend. Mark writes:. Proverbs says, Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Parents and educators frequently remind me about the importance of teaching the principles of The Fred Factor to children.
The only thing better than learning these lessons as an adult is learning them as a child. The sooner someone understands these timeless truths, the sooner they'll start experiencing the benefits in his or her life. Both the individual and the community are served by the integration of these principles and practices. I was fortunate to have good teachers who instilled in me a love for learning. In high school, I did a combined vocational education and college prep curriculum. Since I was a farm kid and had gotten my start in speaking in 4-H, I wanted to belong to the Future Farmers of America now FFA , and the only way to do that was to take vocational agriculture classes.
Without a doubt, the most important skills I learned in high school were through my participation in the FFA. The regular coursework was necessary for my future success in college, but FFA taught me things like teamwork, parliamentary procedure, leadership skills, public speaking and the importance of service. Although at the time I didn't use the same words and terminology I used in The Fred Factor , I was learning the same principles for success in life. Many students don't get a chance to participate in these organizations, so the involvement of parents in making sure kids learn these things is necessary.
Kids need to know that they do make a difference. They need to know that education isn't a preparation for life—education is life. Students shouldn't feel like they're in a holding pattern while in school, unable to truly experience life until after they graduate. They need to understand how to build healthy relationships and use their creativity to create value for themselves, their family and friends, and for an employer. And importantly, young people need to realize that each day is a chance to try again, to be better than the day before, no matter how good or bad the day before.
Talk to your kids about the principles of The Fred Factor. If they're old enough, have them read the book and discuss with them the ideas they encounter. We'll all be better for it. Derivative works and other unauthorized copying or use of stills, video footage, text or graphics is expressly prohibited. Grace is foundational to service. Baldoni writes: Love, sacrifice, truth, and courage are virtues made actionable by grace. To help us better understand grace and to help us intentionally apply it in our leadership, Baldoni explores grace from five perspectives with this acronym : G is for Generosity : the will to do something for others.
Generosity Gracious people give of themselves. Respect Self-awareness opens the door to respect for others. Action Grace is intentional. Compassion Gracious people have the capacity to forgive and show mercy. Core Principle 1: Focus on the critical shifts that drive disproportionate value. Their research identified three categories of leadership behaviors: Baseline Behaviors: Effectiveness at facilitating group collaboration, Demonstrating concern for people, Championing desired change, and Offering Critical perspectives.
Situational Behaviors: Their effectiveness is context-specific Adaptive Behaviors: These help you move between different contexts McKinsey also concluded that only a few behaviors drive organizational performance and that varies by context. McKinsey designs programs around seven adult learning principles: Stretching participants outside their comfort zones Using self-directed learning and self-discovery Applying on-the-job learning to form new skills through repetition and practice Providing a positive frame to link positive emotions to learning Ensuring the interventions are strengths-based Addressing underlying mindsets whole-person approach Using reflection and coaching to ensure feedback loops Core Principle 4: Integrate and measure the program in the broader organization Organizations must ensure that the broader ecosystem directly supports and reinforces the shift in behaviors, skills, and mindsets that the leadership development program promotes.
A leader that climbs their own Mount Everest every day and acts as a Sherpa to others at the same time. A X leader has become a leader worth following and builds leaders worth following. Jeremie Kubicek and Steve Cockram wrote The X Leader to help you become a X Leader in all spheres of influence in your life—leading yourself, a company, a team, or a family—and to become a Sherpa for others.
Your climb to becoming a X leader begins with self-awareness and courage. Kubieck and Cockram guide you through that process. Leading yourself or others is a balance between the right amount of support and challenge. Support builds trust. You want to operate in the top right quadrant—liberate—as much as you can. Each quadrant represents a different leadership style and the culture it creates.
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Dominator We tend to dominate others under stress by requiring much but with little support. Wanting everything to run smoothly and without conflict, these leaders tend to hint at what they want rather than coming out and saying it. Abdicator These leaders have simply given up. Perhaps they are overwhelmed, tired, burned-out, or bored. They create a lifeless culture with low expectations. Liberator These leaders have learned how to liberate in every circle of influence—self, family, team, organization, and community.
What is the tendency or pattern most undermining their influence? And How do I help them get to the next level? Being a Liberator means knowing how other people experience you and then helping others to do the same. Once we liberate ourselves, we can then help others see the mountain ahead of them and equip them to get to the next level.
Kubieck and Cockram provide a comprehensive look at how to become a X Leader by showing us the mountain and then illuminating the way and providing the tools and equipment necessary to complete the climb. Climbing Mount Everest is dangerous and demanding, but without a Sherpa, it is virtually impossible. The X Leader is our Sherpa and teaches us how to become a Sherpa for others. And as with the Sherpa, success is measured by not how many times they reach the top of Everest but by how many they have helped reach the summit.
After all, I was tenured and had supervised dozens of students seeking undergraduate and postgraduate degrees. But in , at the height of the Internet boom, I took a two-year leave of absence to serve as director of system architecture at Akamai Technologies, an MIT start-up located here in Cambridge. That position humbled me and taught me lessons about leadership that I still use today, some 20 years later. Like me, most had only worked in academia up to that point, and we assumed our corporate roles and responsibilities with anticipation and a healthy dose of swagger.
What could possibly stop this juggernaut of collective brilliance? Well, one collective deficit could, and did: The lack of effective leadership. You see, despite their immense talent, our teams were completely dysfunctional. Within weeks, people started to feel disgruntled, and then even worse—angry, jealous, vindictive. Morale sunk, and our productivity did, too. Chuck began teaching the engineering leaders about topics we had never been exposed to before: situational leadership, dealing with diversity and conflict, providing effective feedback, fostering creativity, and how to build a motivated team that leverages individual talents.
Remarkably, after only two off-site workshops, our teams started to function better. We were able to focus and work collaboratively toward our goals. As a researcher, you simply must value and respect the interpersonal relationships that form the foundation of teamwork. Know thyself Senior researchers become better leaders once they understand how they perceive situations and why they react the way they do. Self-assessment exercises, interactive activities, and other tools can help you gain these insights and leverage your strengths.
Mental diversity strengthens teams If you want your work to have the widest possible impact and be the most meaningful, you need to draft teams of diverse thinkers and then ensure everyone can contribute in a complementary way. This is the best way to pressure test and improve ideas. Of course, as a team leader, you will need to be equipped with strategies to manage such a variety of styles and temperaments.
Make it a point to keep the lines of communication open, so that team members feel free to speak to you about day-to-day operations. Regularly checking in with one another keeps everyone on the same page and enables you to handle small issues before they evolve into bigger problems.
To keep leading, keep learning Good leaders continue to learn and grow into their roles. Becoming a tenured professor or otherwise moving up the organizational ladder without participating in management training along the way can reinforce ineffective habits and create blind spots regarding performance. If universities and other research organizations would invest even a fraction of that, their labs would be a more enjoyable place to work and their teams would be more creative and productive.
When our thinking shifts in an area, our perspective changes, and new opportunities become visible. We serve people differently. Your leadership potential depends on these shifts. Some will happen gradually. Some will happen almost overnight. Some will come naturally to you and others will seem counterintuitive. Essentially they all boil down to making the shift from me to we.
Maxwell suggests eleven leadershifts that have helped him grow as a leader. Leadership is not a solo practice. Of course, working with others has its challenges. A big part of this shift is changing your focus from receiving to giving. Adding value every day without keeping score. To become more growth-oriented, you need to embrace change, be teachable humble , learn from failure, connect with other growth-minded people, believe in yourself, and understand that real wisdom is acquired and applied over time.
Great leadership costs us something. If you succeed without sacrifice, it is because someone has suffered before you. If you sacrifice without success, it is because someone will succeed after you. Great leaders face their uncertainty and doubt, and they move through it to pave the way for others. But if you want the best out of people, you have to challenge them.
Sometimes you have to have tough conversations, but you must balance care with candor. The opportunity of a lifetime must be seized within the lifetime of the opportunity. We being with ladder climbing How high can I go? If you want them to lead others and give directions, they must also have the why. To move from directing people—talking, ready answers, your way—to connecting—listening, asking, empowering.
Be a person people can trust. Lift others up. Is your intention to correct them or connect with them? A diverse team will fill in gaps in knowledge, perspective, and experience. People follow moral authority before they follow positional authority. Maxwell lists four areas a leader needs to develop to have moral authority: competence, courage, consistency, and character.
Such moments make leaders. As leaders, you and I have to be changed to bring change. We teach what we know, but we reproduce who we are. As our context change, we have to grow with it. This is our Development Gap. The solution is to scale our leadership. Leadership must learn to scale itself, but not any kind of leadership will do.
We need much more of the kind of leadership that is capable of scaling innovation, adaptability, sustainability, agility, and engagement as its growth strategy. Scaling leadership is about becoming the kind of leader that scales the conscious leadership capable of creating what matters most of all the stakeholders it serves. The top half of the circle are the 18 Creative Competencies that lead to leadership effectiveness. The bottom half is comprised of 11 Reactive Tendencies.
These are our go-to strengths and behaviors we rely on when we feel under pressure. The reactive tendencies often get the job done but at a cost—disenchanted and disengaged employees and stakeholders that feel bullied or let down. In order to scale your leadership, the right conditions must exist. First and foremost, we have to consciously move our leadership from reactive to creative. Also a Generative Tension or Strategic Intent must exist as leaders take responsibility for and establish a development agenda for themselves and their organization.
How do you show up as a leader? In their study, High-Creative leaders consistently demonstrated the following 10 strengths. Interestingly, the first four represent the areas with the highest leadership gaps—areas where leaders need the most work. Strong People Skills and Interpersonal Capability: Caring, compassionate, big-hearted; respects people, connects well with others and makes them feel valuable. Good Listener: Attentive and present when people are presenting their views.
Builds involvement and consensus, supports team members, and advocates for team initiatives. Leads by Example: Good role model. Passion and Drive: Shows passion, enthusiasm, drive, and a strong commitment to the success of the organization and to personal success. Develops People: Shares experience and provides mentoring, coaching, career planning, and development experience to ensure growth and development. Empowers People: Shares leadership and encourages people to take ownership, find their own solutions, make their own decisions, and learn from mistakes.
Positive Attitude: Optimistic, upbeat; has a can-do attitude. People perform better when respected and your leadership is perceived as better when you are respectful. They underuse their High-Creative strengths. Often what got them where they are, is no longer working in their new leadership context. Their research indicates areas that all leaders need to consider and develop where necessary. But of course, simply following a list is a bit simplistic. We all come to leadership with strengths and weakness. Learning to honestly face where you need work and where you need to temper your strengths, is the sign of a great leader.
Scaling leadership is a good place to begin the journey. It means we go deeper to develop our character—who we are. We no longer sponsor change in the organization, we radically, humanly, and in deep relationship lead change from the perspective that the system is mirroring the function and dysfunction in us, individually and collectively. We project our shadow less and less, and therefore, we can engage conflict without reactively making the other into an enemy or adversary. We experience others as much like us, a work in progress, and we engage in dialogue from a place of listening, learning, compassion, and strength.
We are more alike than different. We are all each other. We might think of them as blind spots that adversely affect our leadership effectiveness. Jim Haudan and Rich Berens hope to help you uncover five common leadership blind spots by exposing the underlying assumptions behind the consequences we see played out over and over again in all types of organizations. The Basics: While there was a time when employees were only paid to complete a specific set of tasks, there is way more to it than that today.
Many leaders are starting to embrace the concept of purpose but fail to actually run their businesses in a purpose-driven way. An organization primarily focused on the hitting the numbers is a push mentality. To focus on the purpose is a pull strategy. A firmly ingrained purpose has the power to pull the numbers we are seeking. At the same time, it is nimble and responsive to changing circumstances as it is attached to a point of view and not a procedure.
They note: Organizations with a strong purpose at their core are more likely to be able to change when they truly need to. They will view their current operating model and customer offerings as merely a means to achieve their larger purpose and should, therefore, be able to change direction more easily when market forces require a more radical shift.
The Basics: Most organizations have a semigeneric vision statement, accompanied by what seems like too many slides to outline their strategy for what winning looks like for the organization. Leaders believe that they have a compelling story to tell, but when seen through the eyes of the employee, the complete opposite is often the case.
If you have a clear purpose, there is usually a good story behind it. And that is where we must go if we are to motivate people not only to take action but to do so with energy and enthusiasm. There are four components that contribute to creating a compelling story: 1. Having a vision statement that is a great headline to your story 2. The quality of the strategy story that supports your vision 3. Your ability to share your story effectively as a leader 4. Achieving shared meaning of your story by your leaders Leadership Blind Spot 3: Engagement The Misconception: Rational and logical presentations engage the hearts and minds of people.
The Basics: In many organizations, a tremendous amount of money is spent creating strategies to win. Those strategies then get communicated using PowerPoint presentations, road shows, or town hall meetings—but things seemingly get stuck. Employees fail to connect with the strategy, leaders are frustrated about the lack of progress, and managers just try to hold the ship together.
The authors suggest that we connect with others with relationships that inspire hope. We contribute disengagement and stifle inspiration. Through authentic conversations, we can co-create with our employees. Inviting your people to help you solve the problems of your business begins with leaders believing in the immense creation capability of their people. Leadership Blind Spot 4: Trust The Misconception: People will not do the right thing unless you tell them what to do and hold them accountable to do it.
The Basics: Companies want and need to deliver great service to differentiate themselves, and the common belief is that the best way to deliver this is to create tight processes, scripts, and routines that minimize variability—to hold people and their behaviors to a strict policy and uniform standards. But that approach will never create consistent yet unique, differentiated, and personalized experiences that lead the market.
With the first three blind spots exposed and conquered, trust becomes much easier. People know what to do and why they are doing it. Rigid controls are counterproductive, and standards become easier to maintain. They become agents of the vision. The Basics: In many leadership teams, what people really think often gets discussed in the hallways and bathrooms and by the watercooler rather than in meeting rooms. Many leaders believe that to be effective and successful, they need to be smarter than the next guy, fight for their area of the business, and not show vulnerability.
This mentality creates lack of trust, collaboration, and common ownership for a greater goal—and ultimately greatly slows down execution speed. Humor helps to break the ice. Truth is a critical blind spot that can create an environment of poor decision making mixed with a significant lack of trust and disengagement in your organization.
What Are Your Blind Spots? Inside you will find an assessment to help you see where you stand on each of these issues as well as exercises and tools to help you conquer each of them. Respect for others is the cornerstone of high-performing leaders. Respect is demonstrated daily through skills that we can all learn and make a part of who we are.
Through his experience as an executive coach, Fred Halstead has defined in Leadership Skills that Inspire Incredible Results , seven skills that when practiced yield meaningful results. You may not be an expert at all but you can get better at every one of them. Demonstrating respect is more about asking the right questions than being ready with answers. Asking questions and guiding requires real focus.
Become a Fully Connected Listener Listening shows respect and appreciation. Listening must come first. It requires patience. Much of what you need to know is communicated in this way. Respect others by taking a breath. Ask Powerful Questions When you ask questions, you become more engaging and it creates bonds with others. It means they will want to listen to you. The right questions are important. Ask when you need clarity. Great questions open the door to additional thought. You also show respect for the person being asked the question.
Be forward thinking—solution oriented. Delegating wisely both develops and uses those talents Thinking we are can do it better, impatience, a lack of trust, a lack of clarity about the job to be done, all inhibit our desire to delegate tasks. Create Consistent Accountability A culture of accountability means that people will do—actually accomplish—what they say they will do when they say they will get it done. Accountability builds trust. What often holds us back from creating a culture of accountability says Halstead, is that we what to be seen as nice.
But when seen properly, accountability is nice. Accountability builds others up. But when we do, we might learn from how they achieve the desired result. And frankly, we lack faith in others. If this is the case, Halstead recommends that we walk them through the process so they can see what it will take to get the job done. Also, remind them of the talents they have that will be useful in accomplishing the task.
These five skills, when practiced consistently will help to inspire incredible results. Leading Matters: John L. Hennessy on the Leadership Journey A. What Happens Now? Didn't See It Coming T. Servant Leadership in Action T. The Little Kindnesses Matter P. How to Avoid the 5 Career Derailers W. Leadership Forged In Crisis L. Be a Spark! Leaders Made Here T. Gratitude encourages, clarifies, motivates, includes, and unifies. But gratitude is good for you too. Gratitude puts you in the right mindset to lead. Gratitude and humility are interconnected. They reinforce each other. We alone are not responsible for who we are and what we do and that is the essence of leadership.
We are never truly self-sufficient. In a practical way, gratitude provides guardrails in our life. Gratitude helps us to protect from ourselves. It is amazing how much gratitude plays into avoiding poor behavior and wrong thinking. Gratitude sets a boundary on our thoughts by making us mindful of others. It helps us to avoid going where we should not go because we are more self-aware. Gratitude requires that we slow down and reflect.
Gratitude is the basis of emotional intelligence. It puts other people first. It says you know and you care. While empathy has been found to be essential to leadership, empathy is not empathy if it is silent. It must be expressed. Gratefulness helps to curb unproductive emotions such as frustration, resentment, and revenge. Studies have shown that it is an antidote to depression. It has the power to heal and move us forward.
It improves relationships and is a remedy to envy and greed. Instead of trying to strive with others we are thankful for what they do. Grateful people find more meaning in life and feel more connected to others. In these changing and uncertain times, gratitude is a leaders ally. Life is a continuum. Gratitude allows a leader to appreciate where they are and the resources they have at their disposal to face what life throws at them.
A habit of gratitude gives us perspective. More than a behavior it must come from the heart. It must be the mindset we lead from, manage from, and make decisions from. Gratefulness is grounded in reality because ultimately we must realize that everything good in our life is a gift. Leadership begins and ends with gratefulness. Being a Responsible Leader.
I attended the opening session with him in a room of about kids that all seemed to know each other. Would you like to hang out with us? Just doing the right thing. Leadership begins in the home. Help them see the long-term effects of the decisions they make today. Define a future and help them to line up the decisions needed to get there. It will help them to gain a perspective on life. We can take the time to talk about their experiences. Help them to see them in the most constructive way possible. While some rules are important, principles will last them a lifetime.
Rules are easy to churn out. People are experienced when you can look into their eyes. Life is experienced when you can see what is going on around you—both the sights and sounds. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone is your full attention. We can give them responsibility. Help them to value contribution over consumption. If not, we can be guilty of what President George W. And the most important thing we can do is to set an example of the kind of people we want them to become. Remember we are training future leaders not just raising kids.
Not surprising. And this is the secret of giving: When we make the world better for others, you make the world better for yourself. The Ten Golden Rules of Leadership. Why Reframing is Important to Great Leadership Leaders need to be able to look at the situations they face from different perspectives. The need to be able to reframe a situation in order to understand what it really going on and deal with it effectively. The reason so many accidents happen on the descent is because people use everything they have—all of their energy reserves—to get to the top, and then they have nothing left in them to get themselves back down the mountain.
Every year there are mountaineers who collapse just below the summit; many of them die there. Getting to the top is optional. Getting down is mandatory. You have to know yourself well enough to judge when it is time to turn around and head back down. And you need to make that call when you still have enough energy left to descend.