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I needed a hot shower to give me a lift. Just as I was soaping up I heard the bathroom door squeak. Suddenly her hand came through the shower curtain, she grabbed the soap out of my hand and jumped in with me. Her aggressiveness blew me away—but I liked it. She got on her knees and soaped up my dick. It was as if she had studied how I masturbate even though she never saw me do it and added her own special touches.

Was this my Angela? She brought me to a peak of ecstasy like never before. My orgasm was an explosion. We continued our adventures in bed for a couple more hours. Boredom was a thing of the past. For Manuel, the foreground his intense excitement stands out in bold relief against a background of boredom and low expectations. In fact, The Group only brings up the topic of expectations in their tales of peak sex when those expectations are being joyously shattered by a welcome surprise. In the coming chapters we will often be reminded that peak encounters share many features with memorable fantasies.

What shall we conclude from this? Favorite fantasies, on the other hand, cover familiar territory. Through repeated experimentation we refine them so that they express, in the shorthand of imagery, the essential elements needed for arousal. Not surprisingly, many of these encounters take place on vacation. Such encounters can also unfold much closer to home, as in the case of Trevor, a gay man in his late thirties: His name was Eric and he was extremely attractive to me, with a firm, slightly developed body.

He was the absolute best hugger. My body came alive when he wrapped me up in his arms. I especially enjoyed kissing him, his lips so soft as he kissed me in return. I remember gazing deep into his eyes while he fucked me as I sat on top of him. Our motions were in perfect harmony. It was easy handling him inside me. I was totally amazed by it ah and kept staring at him and his beautiful body, wondering if it was ah a dream. His movements and thrusts when he came gave me an orgasm without any stimulation of my cock.

I never saw Eric again. I often wonder what made that evening so unique.

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It was truly magical. In addition to its idyllic features, this story also has a poignant quality. A similar hint of wistful longing can often be perceived in tales of idyllic encounters. They have a dreamlike, otherworldly quality that, by definition, is quite rare. I am lying in the sun, soaking up the warmth, with no clothes on and none with me. His body is in great shape. He is naked too. He swims over to my rock and climbs up.

Slowly, passionately, he kisses me and then licks every part of my body, one by one. He lies down beside me and soon we make joyous love. We are free, incredibly sensuous and tender. Afterward I quietly swim off as he sleeps. I glance back for one last look at his moist body glistening in the sun. Like Arlene, Luke enthusiastically dwells on the exquisite beauty of his ideal fantasy lover. I eagerly invite her in. Her waist is narrow, her hips wide and shapely. I watch her ass sway as she walks to my sofa.

Long, auburn hair swoops down, partially covering the milky skin of her cleavage. I pull her closer still as she grabs my dick. I feel a shiver go through her body. I invite her to the bedroom and lift the gown over her head, revealing an even more incredible body than I expected. She rips off my shorts and we fall into bed, fucking with uncontrollable abandon. She loves it when I plunge into her juicy pussy. Her reaction turns me on so much that I thrust faster and faster, coming, coming until I collapse on top of her, spent.

After I calm down, I watch her slip into her gown, shake out her hair, and walk toward the door. Luke and Arlene both enjoy the surprise of a perfect stranger. But whereas her fantasy is steeped in romance, his is animated by unfettered lust. She surrounds herself with mountains, a lake, and a sun-drenched rock for a bed. His perfect lover simply arrives at the front door. Although such differences between men and women are by no means universal, they are unmistakable. The ticking of the clock as time marches forward is an apt metaphor for the mundane repetitions that occupy so much of our lives.

No wonder we normally lose all consciousness of time during fulfilling sex, except perhaps for a fleeting wish that this moment would never end. In some situations, however, an awareness of time actually contributes to the enjoyment. Only highly significant activities command such attention. Lydia sings the praises of extended lovemaking when describing a particularly memorable encounter with Josie, her lesbian lover: Josie and I live such busy lives that we usually squeeze in some routine sex on the weekends.

One Sunday I fully expected a typically brief lovemaking session. I knew things were going to be different when Josie spent a good twenty minutes lovingly licking each of my breasts. My excitement built so gradually that I went into an altered state of consciousness—as if each movement was acted out in slow motion. Josie seemed to go into a similar state when I went down on her.

Normally I get bored after a while, but that day I savored her cunt as if it were my last meal. And speaking of meals, we fixed a delicious lunch of cheese and fruit and crawled back into bed to eat it sensuously. We both had many orgasms that day, but I know mine were different than usual. We forgot about everything, focusing all of our energies on each other. A desire so intense that it demands expression, even when there is insufficient time for it, demonstrates its compelling urgency.

Norman recalls with enthusiasm one evening when he and his girlfriend were rushing to get ready for a concert: Tammy and I often disagree about who should initiate sex, when, how often, and how long it should last. But there have been several times when all that crap goes out the window. Knowing that nothing will come of it I find it easier to be passionate, like one night when Tammy was dressing for the symphony. I rubbed her shoulders and she tried to push me away.

All of a sudden she became like an animal. She grabbed me and kissed me deep and hard while I rubbed her clit and brought her to an orgasm in a minute or two —much faster than usual. Just a few strokes of my cock and I came too. Then we went flying out the door, laughing like lunatics. At the concert she told me there was lipstick smeared on my face. Maslow noticed a curious phenomenon, difficult to explain or even describe, in his research on all kinds of peak experiences: pleasurable distortions of time and space. He made this observation: Not only does time pass in their ecstasies with a frightening rapidity so that a day may pass as if it were a minute, but also a minute so intensely lived may feel like a day or a year.

Knowledge of which memorability factors have contributed to your arousal in the past can help you cultivate conditions for more fulfilling sex now and in the future. For instance, passionate lovers who appreciate surprises become adept at deliberately breaking their sexual routines with playful experimentation. It also requires the ability to increase your capacity for being surprised.

Zestful lovers allow themselves to be caught off-guard. Too many people also assume that they can only wait and hope for idyllic situations or partners to bring special excitement to their lives. Passionate lovers discover that lucky moments happen more frequently to those who consciously devise the necessary conditions.

And far more than we realize, the seemingly magical appearance of an ideal partner is a mixture of happenstance and a heightened readiness on the part of the beholder to perceive beauty. Likewise, those who have luxuriated in extended lovemaking or found a special charge in quick sex can learn to request and seize opportunities for similar satisfactions that might easily slip by. Who are these people? Are they similar to or different from your real-life partners? Luckily, in approximately 80 percent of their stories The Group does mention what kind of relationships they had with their partners.

Closer analysis reveals that both the gender and the sexual orientation of the storytellers affect the kinds of partners with whom they are likely to have peak sex. But the most important consideration of all is whether the partner or partners is a real person in an actual encounter or a fantasy partner. This does not necessarily mean that the men go outside their primary relationships for peak sex, although some do. More common, they recall peak encounters that occurred before they met their current partners. A number of men and women report that their most memorable encounters occurred with people who later became their primary partners.

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During the early stages of such involvements the intensity of infatuation is normally at its highest. Women are almost twice as likely as men to mention that they feel romantically involved or in love with their partners in ecstasy 25 percent and 13 percent respectively. Here is the first instance of this phenomenon: lesbians are the most likely of all subgroups to speak of love and romance, doing so in 36 percent of their encounters as compared with 26 percent for straight women.

Straight men mention loving their partners in 11 percent of their peak encounters, while almost one- fifth of the gay and bisexual men enthusiastically express love. But here we see another great gender difference: men are almost twice as likely as women to describe very casual or anonymous encounters 30 percent and 16 percent respectively. Reflecting this trend, the most likely of all subgroups to have anonymous encounters are bisexual men 50 percent and gay men 47 percent. At the other extreme, only 1 percent of the lesbians describe memorable sex with strangers or near-strangers. Matthew, a gay college administrator, describes a particularly successful three-way: I saw two male lovers at a nude beach and enjoyed attracting their attention by getting a hard-on and letting them see it.

He had a thick, beautifully proportioned cock. Even when soft it swayed heavily and slapped from thigh to thigh as he walked. Soon after we greeted he invited me to hang out with them. All afternoon we joked and flirted. They were both extremely handsome. I was thrilled when they invited me to dinner.

At their place we all took turns showering. When one of them was in the shower, the other would play with and suck my cock. They had been together five years and claimed this was their first three-way. Both turned out to be incredibly sexy. I could see into their bedroom from the kitchen as each dried off and stroked their hard dicks. By now the other one was feverishly jerking off. When we made it to the bedroom I was thrilled to watch them perform sixty- nine on each other —very hot. I ended up fucking one lover as I was fucked by the other.

Both men were warm, gentle, with great senses of humor. One also sang beautifully. They obviously loved each other. Our three-way never became competitive or tense—not even for a moment. Both were eager to please me, and I them. Bisexual women are the most likely of all to report peak encounters with multiple partners 25 percent , and bisexual men run a close second 20 percent.

At first I was reluctant because I feared the scene would be much too sleazy for my tastes. Being a great salesman, Rob emphasized the fact that my previous lover was a woman and that I might enjoy watching both sexes getting it on. The party was at a beautiful home with a large pool and hot tub. The people were intelligent and friendly. Other than the nude sunbathing it was no different than any other party. Rob was right, I certainly did enjoy gazing at the wonderful collection of bodies. After the sun went down the atmosphere became more sexual. Some people went inside, apparently to have sex in one of the many bedrooms.

Rob and I joined the group in the hot tub. As we loosened up, people began massaging each other. One woman was sitting on the edge when another woman went down on her. When I turned around his face told me he was about to come. He did and several people cheered. I was a little jealous but incredibly turned on. Over the next few hours, we put the lounge cushions on the deck around the tub so we had a choice of comfortable positions.

I especially enjoyed being touched by Rob and a beautiful young woman at the same time. It was all so friendly and warm and fun—not at all like my idea of an orgy. Although he denies it, I think Rob was more jealous than I because he never mentions trying it again. Matthew and Ginny are among the relatively few members of The Group who describe group sex encounters as their most memorable.

These encounters are fraught with potential problems and are much more difficult to arrange than the more common one-on-one variety. Typically one partner is more interested in a multiple-partner adventure, which can result in arguments.

Sacred, Sensual, and Sexual

Once partners do agree on a three-way or group sex scene, somebody often feels left out or jealous. And what are the odds of three or more people having compatible sexual desires? All of these complications vanish, however, in the realm of the erotic imagination. Fantasies involving multiple partners are the most popular of all among The Group as a whole. Just as they are the most likely to have multiple partners in real life, bisexuals are the most drawn to fantasies of multiple partners 60 percent of bisexual men and 75 percent of bisexual women.

But more than a quarter of all women—even a third of the lesbians—say their favorite fantasies involve two or more partners. The same thing is true for 43 percent of the men. One finding may surprise you as it did me. Whereas almost one-fifth of gay men enjoy multiple sex in their memorable encounters, they are the least likely subgroup to include multiple partners in their favorite fantasies only 11 percent. The best explanation I can offer is that virtually any gay man who wants to try group sex or a three-way can find opportunities to do so, particularly in urban areas.

These activities were especially widespread in the freewheeling days before the AIDS epidemic. It appears that real-life experiences with multiple partners reduce their allure in fantasy. What is the meaning of the special appeal that multiple-partner fantasies hold for so many men and women? But what about women? Their most popular form of erotica—the romance novel—virtually never includes multiple partners.

With rare exceptions, such as when three people fall in love with one another, multiple partners do not easily fit the romantic ideal. Fantasies involving more than one partner typically have a purely lustful quality. The fantasizer is virtually always the focal point of such scenarios. The role of both partners is to respond to every whim of the fantasizer and in doing so to affirm his or her irresistability. In addition, the fantasizer is always in control, whether he or she chooses to dominate, to submit, or prefers to watch the partners put on a show as they have sex with each other.

I believe the most important attraction of three-ways is their ability to amplify whichever characteristics turn the fantasizer on. Typically, both partners are of the same gender and thus provide a double dose of maleness or femaleness. Consequently, straight women and gay men usually imagine two or more men, whereas straight men and lesbians gravitate toward two women. Not surprisingly, bisexuals sometimes enjoy the presence of both genders, but many prefer to take advantage of the amplification effect by fantasizing about two men or two women, depending on their inclination at the moment.

Second only to the popularity of multiple partners in favorite fantasies are very casual or anonymous partners. Among most of the subgroups, regardless of gender, 20 to 24 percent of their favorite fantasies involve sexy strangers or casual, chance meetings. Bisexual men have the most fantasies of anonymous sex 40 percent and lesbians have the fewest 17 percent. In real-life encounters most women want some link between sex and feelings of emotional connection, as compared with a significant number of men who do not necessarily require or even want such a connection.

However, this distinction almost completely disappears in fantasy. It is a dramatic reminder that in the realm of the erotic imagination we are frequently exempt from the values and preferences that guide our actual behavior. In only 12 percent of cases does The Group select fantasy partners with whom they have any real involvement beyond their fantasies, whether as dates, boyfriends or girlfriends, or primary partners. An even greater gender difference appears in regard to being infatuated or in love with their fantasy partners. Women mention feelings of love more than three times more frequently than men 14 percent and 4 percent respectively.

And once again, lesbians are the most likely 17 percent to mention loving their fantasy partners. This brief overview of the kinds and numbers of partners involved in peak encounters and fantasies underscores how frequently highly arousing experiences deviate from the norms and ideals with which most of us are raised. How often have we read or been told that sex is best with a loving partner? Particularly in the realm of fantasy, the erotic mind claims for itself a wide zone of freedom from social conventions.

The deeper, more complex dimensions of peak erotic events will occupy our attention in the coming chapters. If you have not yet started writing, why not begin now by responding to the SES or starting an erotic journal or both? If you become a participating observer rather than a detached one, your discoveries will be much more likely to enrich you. This idea may have sounded reasonable enough, although perhaps a bit abstract. Think back over the peak encounters and fantasies you have remembered so far.

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Have you noticed anything that you felt inclined to judge? Avoid the circular trap of judging yourself for being judgmental. As your awareness of judgments increases, so too will your ability to set them aside. You may have found some of them a bit kinky. Pretending to be open-minded is of little use. Jot down how you feel in your journal.

When you come across a story that stimulates a particularly strong reaction, ask yourself how you might feel about the story if you approached it with an attitude of neutral curiosity. This discrepancy raises important questions: What is the relationship between peak arousal and the regular, everyday kind? Does studying particularly exciting sex help us produce additional satisfying experiences, or is there a danger that we might end up feeling disappointed with simpler, less earthshaking pleasures?

Enjoy The Feeling Of Being Choked? – Unbound

How unfortunate if we use the perfection of our best experiences to devalue more mundane sex. Sex therapists regularly see clients who have converted moments of special pleasure into sources of disappointment and frustration by using them to create higher standards and, in turn, greater pressures to perform.

Tragically, they have turned the beauty of their peaks into painful reminders of their inadequacy. What is the alternative? Peak turn-ons bestow their gifts most generously when each is recognized as one-of-a-kind. All peak experiences spring from total involvement in the moment, which is lost if you split your attention by comparing one moment to another.

However, when you savor each magical memory on its own terms, your recollections help you to become more fully available for a wider variety peak erotic experiences. In the latter part of the s my professional interests and personal struggles coincided as never before. On the personal side I had just extricated myself from the most painful yet sexually exhilarating relationship of my life.

At one moment we would be lost in passion. Then, without warning, my lover would vanish, apparently overwhelmed by our closeness. For years I had come back for more until, devastated and humiliated, I eventually broke it off for good. As I mourned my loss, I wondered whether—if I ever let myself fall in love again—I was destined to repeat the same drama.

In my professional life, especially my studies of eroticism, I was also at a turning point. For years I had enthusiastically adhered to the principles of modern sex therapy launched by Masters and Johnson less than a decade before. They had made thousands of therapists realize that asking clients to try structured experiments at home could often help them work through even long-standing sexual problems more effectively than traditional therapies.

Whereas modern sex therapy is anchored in the neat-and-clean model of sexual interaction that views barriers and inhibitions as unnecessary and unwelcome troublemakers, I was finding it impossible to ignore the fact that barriers seem to turn people on at least as often as they turn them off.

Then, in preparation for a talk on sexual orientation, I was reading The Homosexual Matrix, an exceptional book by psychologist C. Tripp talking about me and my fizzled romance, but he was also addressing exactly the kinds of contradictions haunting me in my work. Some experiences, it seems, are so universal as to be virtually invisible. When the erotic equation restates for people something they already know, they typically react as if a light has pierced the darkness.

This is the heart of the matter: although sexual desire and arousal can be stimulated by all sorts of people and situations, your most passionate responses spring from the interaction of two competing forces. First, an attraction pulls you toward the object of your desire. Tripp says, to import. And you want the desired one to see qualities in you that are worthy of exporting to him or her. Already the seeds are sown for your attraction to become truly dynamic. Suddenly or gradually, your fascination comes up against one or more obstacles to overcome—the second requirement for a truly compelling erotic response.

Maybe the person is unavailable or somehow inappropriate to pursue. If your attraction touches a romantic chord, the risks of being hurt may loom up, urging you to retreat. Or you may simply be passing strangers, communicating with your eyes the thrill of something that can never be. The erotic equation shows us why peak eroticism is rarely tidy, static, or predictable. It helps us fully grasp what we have always known: the erotic experience, by its very nature, is shaped by the push-pull of opposing forces and is therefore energetic, interactive, and potentially dangerous.

We are the most intensely excited when we are a little off-balance, uncertain, poised on the perilous edge between ecstasy and disaster. The idea that our most erotic moments are born of conflict is not new. Freud certainly recognized it, though he conceptualized it differently.

He believed that an eternal tension exists between the primitive, sexual, animalistic id and the overcivilized superego. Like Freudian psychology, the erotic equation describes the interplay of impulse and restriction. In any case, he concluded that even reasonably well-adjusted adults were doomed to frustration because the requirements of civilization must prevail over our unruly impulses. People often act as if this mystery were a fragile one. They fear that looking too closely at their attractions might dampen or destroy them.

If you feel a similar reluctance to see all there is to see, let me offer you some assurances. Examining an attraction only disrupts or diminishes it if something about the attraction is detrimental to the person. Most people find that exploring their attractions deepens and enriches them. If you approach your attractions with respect, they will reveal some of their secrets to you. Although you will never figure them out entirely, even small insights can enlarge the arena of your conscious choice—which is always empowering.

There are two primary types of attraction: lusty and romantic. Each springs from distinct motives and generates different kinds of passions. Those who aspire to a healthy erotic life must develop a comfortable relationship with both types of attractions, for each is part of our humanity. At one pole lust is simply pleasurable delight in our sensual appetites. At the opposite extreme, lust is defined as unrestrained, wanton surrender to carnal urges. From this point of view, a lustful person is often considered lascivious, lecherous, unsavory, and a potential menace.

Sexual lust is decidedly unpopular these days, firmly linked with disease, pregnant teenagers, sexual abuse, harassment, sexual addiction, and even lust murders. Given such unappealing associations, it may be difficult to think of it in a positive light. Thus the emphasis has shifted to relationships and monogamy. AIDS, of course, changed ah that, but other factors also played a part.

Although lust has perhaps inevitably fallen into disfavor, we make a terrible mistake if we reject it completely. Our erotic health requires that we make room for lust, for it provides much of the zest that makes sex fun and self-affirming. Socially, it is also very important not to reject lust, no matter how relentless the antisexual clamoring may become.

When lust falls victim to the forces of repression, its negative potentials increase dramatically. At the heart of lusty attraction lies the desire for sexual excitation and orgasmic release, pure and simple. It can be profound, utterly meaningless, playful, loving, or hostile. In its most intense forms lust has an animalistic quality that can be exhilarating, frightening, or both. The sexy other is simply a stimulus and, at least to a degree, an object. The nature of lust is to objectify, a reality that can be troublesome for many people.

According to one popular line of thinking, to see a person as an object is to do him or her a grave injustice. Focusing on just a part of someone for sexual kicks—voluptuous breasts, bulging biceps, or genitals, for instance—may even be considered a form of victimization. At its best it is an effective source of validation and approval. Having a desired partner perceive you as the object of desire can be flattering and exhilarating. Both men and women—although by no means all—crave opportunities to be responded to as sex objects, and more than a few bemoan the fact that it happens too rarely.

And as a society we spend billions of dollars and untold hours trying to make ourselves attractive sexual objects. To objectify is also to externalize, to recognize the desired one as the other —that is, to see clearly that he or she is outside oneself. This quality of otherness is absolutely essential for attraction. Not only is the object separated from the self, but that person is invested with sufficient value to make him or her worthy of pursuit.

One of the most beneficial features of lusty objectification is how it facilitates selective perceptions and idealizations. When you lust after someone, you naturally emphasize the qualities you find most appealing. Sonya, a thirty-eight-year-old member of The Group, describes how her fantasy life revolves around lusty objectification: I hardly ever have complete fantasy stories like the ones in books. When I want to get hot I just imagine a beautiful set of male buns. I love to scan my eyes from the wide, muscular shoulders, down the v-shaped back, to that sloping transition from back to butt.

The very top of the crack thrills me, especially when I catch a glimpse of it at the beach when a hot guy is wearing a skimpy swim suit. A gorgeous set of buns calls out to be caressed by my eyes or fingers. I go nuts over ones with dimple indentations on the sides. The strongest example of the objectifying quality of lust is a fetish, a superfocused erotic fascination with an inanimate object—something like underwear or shoes or garter belts—although the popular definition has gradually expanded to include a greater than usual fascination with a particular body part.

The fetish object usually has some obvious link to sex, but not always. Yet almost everyone with a fetish knows the circumstances under which it developed and its erotic significance for them. I once worked with a man who was very concerned about his obsession with raincoats, especially yellow plastic ones. His most intense orgasms occurred when he masturbated while wearing a raincoat, of which he had quite a collection.

Although dismayed by his fetish, he had no trouble explaining it. As a boy he had received a gift of a little fire truck large enough for him to sit on and drive around the room. There were two things he especially liked about this toy: the tingling sensations he got in his groin when he rode the truck and the imagery of strong, brave firemen he conjured up in his mind as he playacted various rescue scenes. Much later he came to realize that he was gay and that his fire truck sensations and fantasies offered him a compelling focal point for his fascination with men and masculinity.

As years went by the masturbatory aspects of his raincoat rituals became more explicit and intense. This story demonstrates how lust can become focused on a single object and the images that go with it. The fetish object becomes a kind of shorthand or, more accurately, an erotic cue that provides a pinpoint focus for arousal. It was once widely believed that women had little if any interest in lust. The narrowing of focus that is a hallmark of lust operates in both sexes, although it is significantly more pronounced in men. I believe that a major reason for this difference is the penis—an instantaneous and unavoidable arousal feedback system.

A stiffening penis is extremely difficult to ignore. Later, when they learn to masturbate, most men discover an even more compelling link between their favorite fantasy images and the immediate responses of their genitals. When a girl feels turned on, her genital responses are far less obvious. However, these differences are slowly changing.

An increasing number of women are deliberately using masturbation and fantasy to cultivate more defined, focused erotic preferences. The same, of course, is true of lust. This is the currently fashionable explanation for acts such as rape and incest.

But it is sex and power and hatred—all rolled up together with the delusion among many predators that their victims actually enjoy it. I believe that the same is required for erotic health. It is a terrible mistake to deny or downplay the dog- eat-dog aspects that exist in all human interactions, including sexual ones. Only when we see both the positive and the negative expressions of our lusty impulses can we truly appreciate—with our eyes wide open—all the ways lust can add richness and zest to life.

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Lust connects us with our animal passions and brings us closer to primitive energies and motivations, which is precisely why it is so often feared. Conversely, lust is most likely to turn destructive when it is split off from the rest of life, banished to a dark corner where it festers and grows hostile. Lust, by its very nature, objectifies, at least to a degree, but if you experience lust as an integral part of your total self, lusty objectification is balanced by your capacities to empathize with and respect others. And so, for example, while you may fantasize about taking someone sexually against his or her will or about being taken , you will be able to draw a clear line between fantasy and behavior.

Built into many a lusty fantasy or encounter is a hidden hope for more. In someone who experiences the full range of human needs, fears, and dreams, lust is sometimes the most tangible expression of a desire to reach out, to overcome physical separation and loneliness. How often has a momentary, casual turn-on ignited a desire for another moment with that particular person? More often than you might think. The romantic urge usually aspires to an even deeper goal—no less than personal transformation through the temporary joining of two separate beings.

Safeword Magazine - Christmas Wishes

You can only diminish or eliminate one's entire libido by chemical or hormonal means. I'm sure that's not what Puppy has in mind! Aretha : Pup, I know you're at a women's college, but are you chained to your desk? Why do you think you can't have a boyfriend till graduation? Are all the other girls at your college waiting till graduation to have a bf, too? Aretha : I don't know why you haven't come before with your other sexual partners, but I'm guessing they didn't know what turns you on. Susie : I'm guessing you haven't had enough chances to try much of anything out- or some decent privacy!

Aretha : Do you want to role-play your fantasies with a lover? Or even talk about them? Susie : I predict you're going to find some really hot radical tender boyfriend who will be thrilled to find out you have the same "sick" fantasies that he does. Think up a funny "safe word" while you're sitting in your next semester of Abnormal Psychology. Don't waste another moment doubting yourself. I'm in my second marriage. I met both my husbands within the framework of a tight-knit conservative religion.

My current husband and myself consider ourselves religious people, although we came to this level of religion as adults. Before I became more religious, I had been sexually active in college. My first marriage ended for many reasons; because he cheated on me numerous times and he was clinically addicted to porn. In this first marriage, I refused any type of sex beyond missionary style, because a our religion forbids the placement of sperm anyplace besides the vagina and b my husband treated me like crap and having sex was like someone going to the bathroom on me.

We have all kinds of sex: oral, vaginal, and anal, with occasional rimming and spanking. I do these things because I love my husband and I love pleasuring him- but there are aspects of our lovemaking I feel uneasy about. My husband asks occasionally for me to shave my pubic hair. Or he'll ask me to spit on his dick when giving him oral. He gets off on lots of gratuitous moaning.

He likes this "porn-aesthetic" and I just divorced my ex-husband because he was addicted to porn. If I broached this issue with my husband he would immediately back off because he's a sensitive guy. I don't have anyone within my community to discuss it. What's the best way to handle this? I want to be desired for who I am rather than how much I can act like a porn star. Aretha : Okay, wow. This is messy. She says herself that if she talked to her husband about it, he would back off. So what's the problem? Susie : I agree. Putting the hot buttons aside…if he listens to her and loves her, then anything is up for discussion.

That's what intimacy is about. Wouldn't she want him to confide in her, if he was feeling this alienated? Aretha : She doesn't say that the sex is amazing with her husband-I don't hear her saying anything about enjoying herself.

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Susie : Yeah, I noticed that, too. Erotic asphyxiation is the practice of intentionally restricting the flow of oxygen to the brain, for the purposes of heightening sexual arousal. Most of us know this as choking. Many of us can attest to our first encounter with choking as a moment that was equal parts scary as shit and arousing. However, anyone can derive pleasure from being the choker or the chokee, and vice versa, whether or not they admit to it. There are levels to choking—all of which require caution and consent—as it is a form of both edge and breath play.

The breath part of it goes without saying, but choking also functions as a form of edge play because of the anticipation of harm that could hypothetically result from engaging in it. But no amount of fucking is worth the potentially irreversible consequences of a lack of caution and care during play. Before you incorporate choking into sex, sit down with your partner and assess the risks.

Ideally, these check-ins should occur on a regular basis. When safety and comfort are prioritized, breath play can really become a thrilling experience.